A Glimpse into the Future
by Podgemeister
Summary: This story takes place ten years after Syed and Amira have split and Syed has left Albert Square.
1. Chapter 1

Syed woke up with a start and looked at the watch lying on the bedside table next to him. Eight o' clock! He'd overslept again for the second time that week!

Leaning over to the sleeping figure beside him, he kissed him gently, pleased to see he was still asleep.

"See you later," he whispered in his upturned ear.

Getting dressed hastily, he made himself a coffee and a slice of toast and left the house, munching, and dropping crumbs, as he went.

Outside the house, two cars stood on the drive – one a sleek metallic grey sports car and the other an older, dark blue estate car. However, today being a work day, he walked past them on his way to catch the Tube. He plugged his ipod into his ears and sang rather tunelessly to himself as he hurried along mulling over his plans for the day – a meeting with his boss at 9.30 to discuss the manuscript of a new book they wanted to publish, a meeting with a couple of authors and then a quick lunch with some colleagues to celebrate a birthday. He was planning to return home to work there for the afternoon, away from the constant ringing of the 'phone.

Syed had been working for the publisher for over ten years since leaving Albert Square after he and Amira had split. He had tried to make things work with his family but, reluctantly, after much heart-searching and many tears had decided to leave the area to make a new life for himself. A meeting with an old college acquaintance had led to an interview for a job and that, in turn, to the house he was now living in, in Hammersmith.

He had started in a lowly position as assistant and general 'gopher' but, as the years had passed, his talents had been recognised and now he was in his third year as Senior Editor in the company.

As he sat on the Tube that morning, he smiled as he thought of the sleeping man he'd left at home. They'd been together for almost the whole time he'd been working at the publisher's, sharing their little home for almost as long. He couldn't imagine his old life in Albert Square – it seemed so long ago now. A time when he had had to hide who he was and pretend to be someone he wasn't. Now, he could be the person that he'd wanted to be and could live his life openly in the security of a fully reciprocated, loving relationship. Yes, life was good.

His day ran almost exactly to plan – a few disagreements over the manuscripts and a minor irritation when a newly printed book failed to be delivered to the warehouse. Then, at last, time to return home.

Perhaps a take-away and a dvd tonight. They really were just like an old married couple now – well he was 36!

While he sat on the Tube he scanned through old text messages on his phone then, bored, picked up a copy of the Evening Standard left on the seat next to him. He flicked through the pages quickly, reading odd snippets of news but became aware of a good-looking man sitting opposite him and staring at him intently.

Returning his stare, Syed managed a half-smile while frantically trying to think where he'd seen this man before. The other man saw his quizzical look and said,

"Syed Masood?"

"Yes – I'm sorry, I know I've seen you somewhere before but I can't seem to place you, I'm afraid."

"I'm not surprised - you haven't seen me for ten years! I'm Alex, Christian Clarke's ex..."

Syed raised his eyes sharply to look more carefully at the man speaking.

"Christian's _ex_?" he queried.

"Yes, we split about five years ago."

Syed drew a gasp of breath. That was the first time that he'd heard Christian's name spoken aloud for years and hearing it, immediately made him feel light-headed. He bent his head down to the newspaper again but the words blurred and he couldn't concentrate. Alex was the man Christian had met, seemingly on the rebound from Syed all those years ago. Tired of waiting for Syed, he'd started a relationship with him – a carpenter working on the refurbishment of Jack's Club, R and R. Syed shook his head imperceptibly, amazed that the two of them had been together for five years – not Christian's usual style ...until _they _had met, of course.

The Tube rattled on its way. Neither man spoke but each looked surreptitiously at the other. One more stop and then he would be almost home...It couldn't come quickly enough now. He felt strangely disconcerted...

Opposite him, Alex cleared his throat which made Syed look more purposefully towards him.

"Syed...I have some very bad news I'm afraid...it's Christian. We did split up five years ago but we have still kept in touch...Last week I heard from Jane...Christian is seriously ill in hospital...she's scared that he may not have long to live..."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Syed drew his breath in rapidly and fixed Alex with a disbelieving stare. As he did so, the Tube drew to a noisy halt at his stop – he must get out here he thought, but how could he having just heard all this? His decision was made for him as a tidal wave of commuters, all getting off at the same station, shoved him out onto the platform. With pleading eyes, he searched for Alex and just in time saw him mouth the words,

'Phone Jane!'

And with that, the Tube disappeared into the tunnel, taking Alex with it. The shock of the words he'd just heard finally hit him and his legs almost gave way as he was pushed and jostled along the platform. Reaching the stairs, he leant heavily on the hand rail for support fearing his legs would give way and all too soon he was at the top. He knew he should go straight home but he needed time to digest what he'd heard and, more importantly, time to decide what to do – if anything. The Tube station opened into a shopping precinct and he walked slowly between the rows of shops, giving cursory but unseeing glances into the shops, following a familiar path that he took every day.

Alex's words were revolving round and round in his head….._Christian….seriously ill….in hospital_. He felt an overwhelming sense of nausea and knew he needed to get home as quickly as he could before he made a fool of himself by being sick or fainting. His slow pace turned into a trot and he made it out into the open air and on towards his home.

Within minutes, Syed had reached the familiar front door and almost fell against it as he fitted the key into the lock and turned it. There was always a palpable sense of safety and security in that little house and today was no exception. If ever he needed sanctuary it was today, and wrong as it might seem, he prayed that he had the place to himself.

Suddenly, the events of the last twenty minutes or so began to hit him and he leaned against the wall in the kitchen, hoping that it would support him in his hour of need. With the wall against his back, his legs buckled and he slid down the wall. Head in hands, a wave of emotion half way between misery and sheer terror overcame him and he sobbed as if his heart would break.

As his sobs died away, he slumped into a sitting position on the floor, resting against the wall. He could still hear Alex's words and he shook his head attempting to free himself of them. He could scarcely believe what had happened – he'd been apart from Christian for years, only keeping him alive in his memory, so meeting Alex so unexpectedly and hearing such shocking news had completely floored him. For the moment, he needed to ponder on his next move. Alex had mouthed, 'Phone Jane!' but could he do that? He needed time to think…..

As he sat on the floor with his eyes closed, trying to decide what to do, he failed to hear the click of the front door. Consequently, he also failed to notice someone standing looking down at him.

"Syed…..what on _earth_ is the matter?"

Syed's eyes opened and just for a moment he forgot where he was.

"I…I…."

"You've been crying…what's wrong?"

Syed looked up and saw Sam, his boyfriend looking down at him, his face a picture of concern.

"Nothing….nothing's wrong." he lied. "I've just had a really bad day at work and then some idiot on the Tube was trying to wind me up. "

Sam looked at him doubtfully. He'd learned in the time that they'd been together that Syed was not always completely truthful and was prone to making up the first excuse that came into his head to get himself out of a tight spot. He'd also learned that when he was like this it was better to go along with him!

Sam pulled Syed up to his feet and wrapped his arms around him.

"You would tell me if there was anything seriously wrong, wouldn't you?' he inquired.

'Yes,' replied Syed but said no more in case Sam could tell that his voice was quivering.

'Good. Now let's get changed and perhaps we could pop out to get something to eat.'

All evening Syed's thoughts were in turmoil. His mobile was burning a hole in his pocket – one quick call to Jane and he would be able to have his questions answered. But something was stopping him. He couldn't talk to Sam about what had happened. He had left the Square (and Christian) before he had met him, but Sam was more than aware of what had happened and that Christian had been the love of Syed's life. Early on, Syed had made a promise to himself that he wouldn't talk about Christian again – that part of his life was over along with any relationship he'd had with his parents – and he owed it to Sam to make a real go of their life together. He had, or so he'd thought, buried the past deep inside him, but his reaction to hearing someone say Christian's name aloud had terrified him.

'You seem very distant tonight.'

'Oh…yes…I'm just very tired. Can we go home now – I need some serious sleep!'

They were sitting in a little restaurant that they often visited when they couldn't be bothered to cook.

'Of course, I'll just settle up'

Half an hour later and they were at home.

'I'll just sit up for a while if you don't mind. There's a film I'd like to see,' said Sam. 'You go on up. I won't be long.'

Syed went upstairs, glad of the chance to be alone. He'd struggled all evening to hide his feelings and now, alone, he felt tears welling up again – what was wrong with Christian? He'd not seen him for so long but how could he lose him for ever? Just the thought of him not being alive and going about his daily life was too much too bear.

With a sigh, he lay down on the bed not even getting undressed. He closed his eyes and all he could see was Christian's face staring back at him from behind his closed eyelids. That face, the one that had been so familiar to him. He knew every part of it so well, had kissed those lips so many times and looked into his eyes….Syed slept.

Moments later, Sam came quietly into their bedroom. Seeing Syed asleep on the bed, fully dressed, he half smiled to himself but the small feeling of unease he'd had since arriving home earlier that evening, finding Syed sitting crying on the floor, grew. He lay down next to his sleeping lover and cradled him in his arms. Feeling someone next to him, Syed stirred in his sleep, smiled and whispered,

'Christian….I've missed you so much!'


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

'_Christian…I've missed you so much__!'_

Syed smiled faintly in his sleep, the corners of his mouth slightly turned up but his eyes still tightly closed. Still asleep, blissfully unaware of how his unconscious thoughts had been heard, he stirred slightly.

Sam rolled away from Syed's sleeping frame. He unlocked his arms from around Syed and lay on his back staring at the ceiling. The words echoed in his head over again:

'_Christian…I've missed you so much__!'_

Sam tried to clear his head. He looked across at his sleeping lover –_ had _he seen Christian? Was he missing him? Syed _had_ been upset earlier, had gone off to bed on his own, unusual in itself and had reverted to lying – his customary technique to cover up when he was worried about something. He would talk to Syed in the morning.

Lying awake, sleep elusive, Sam replayed the last ten years in his head. He was still amazed that they'd managed ten years – a long time by most people's standards!

From the moment that they'd met, he'd been completely smitten by the young Muslim man having seen him sitting alone at a bar clutching a glass of orange juice and looking as if he had the weight of all the world's troubles on his shoulders. Sam had sat next to him at the bar sipping his own drink. Syed gave a few furtive glances in his direction and after a while they started chatting, easily, as if they'd known each other for ages. There was no doubt that Syed was very attractive and Sam tried to make up his mind whether or not he was gay. The long, dark, scruffy hair, half covering his face and beautiful eyes, together with a slight boyish frame really appealed to Sam and he hoped that his instincts regarding Syed's sexuality were correct.

Syed finished his third glass of juice and stood up to go. Sam drew in his breath and asked if Syed would like to join him for dinner. With hardly a missed beat, Syed said that he would love to go and, over dinner, conversation flowed easily. By the end of the evening, Syed had told him some of his past story and had told him a little about Christian. Even then, Sam noticed how Syed's eyes lit up when he talked about Christian but a look of unimaginable sadness was on his face at the same time. No doubt he'd learn more as time went on he thought and he did – quickly realising that Christian was the love of Syed's life and he missed him desperately.

Their relationship had moved quickly so that Syed was soon dating Sam constantly and they were rarely apart. They adored each other although Sam sometimes felt that Syed was holding back from him but he always tried to put thoughts like that out of his mind. He had, however, always harboured a secret fear that their happiness would only last so long as Christian stayed a past memory and not a reality. He knew that Syed had been deeply hurt by the loss of his parents and Christian, for different reasons, but both upsetting him more than was imaginable. He and Syed had an unspoken agreement that Christian's name would never be mentioned…until now.

Sam realised with a start that it was 7 am – he'd hardly slept but had mentally played every scenario through the night, each one more lurid and hopeless than the previous one. Exhausted, Sam rolled off the bed and went to have a shower leaving Syed asleep. He came back ten minutes later to find Syed had woken and was now crashing about in the kitchen downstairs wearing his big towelling dressing gown..

As Sam walked in the room Syed asked,

'Do you want some toast?'

'Um…not really hungry.'

'Oh? Coffee then?'

'Yep, please'

They sat at the table, not speaking or looking at one another. Sam's heart was pounding – now was his chance to clear this all up!

'You were upset about something last night,' he ventured.

'I told you, I was tired.'

'But you were crying weren't you?'

'Told you – I had a bad day at work.'

Sam sighed – he knew that when Syed was in this mood he was impossible!

He tried again.

'Who did you see yesterday?'

'Just work people – we had that birthday lunch - remember.'

'Nothing happened on the way home?'

'NO!' snapped Syed, 'Will you stop interrogating me – there's nothing wrong but there will be if you carry on like this! I just have a decision to make.'

'Decision?'

'Yes – now leave it will you!'

And he turned and walked huffily out of the room slamming the door so hard that the frame shook. Sam remained where he was – no use going after him when he was like this. He knew now that something _was_ wrong – Syed always reacted like this when pushed into a corner. Walking out and slamming doors was his speciality!

Meanwhile, upstairs, having made his dramatic exit, Syed flung himself on the bed, tears streaming down his face. He had lied to Sam and he suspected that Sam knew he had. And there was still the mind-numbing fact that Christian was in hospital without him, to deal with. His body shook and his chest heaved as he imagined Christian alone. He wanted to run out and go to him there and then but what about Sam and what would Jane and his parents think? His sobs grew louder and he pushed his face into the pillow to try to silence them.

Suddenly, he leapt off the bed and rushed to the bathroom and was violently sick. Afterwards, he looked in the mirror as he was wiping his mouth and saw Sam standing behind him, his face pale and concerned.

'Syed, you look a mess,' he said and wrapped an arm round his shoulders.

Syed looked at himself and couldn't help but agree – tear stained face, unbrushed face and stubble showing. He started to sob uncontrollably again leaning his head against Sam's shoulder. His own shoulders heaved and he nearly vomited again.

Sam spun him round and held him gently at arm's length looking deep into his eyes.

'Look, I know there's something wrong. Are you going to tell me what it is?'

'Everything's fine,' denied Syed, 'Everything's fine', he repeated.

'I know that something is wrong – you were talking in your sleep last night!'

Syed's sobs stopped and he felt a wave of panic wash over him.

'What…what did I say?' he mumbled.

What _had_ he said? He'd gone to bed thinking of Christian! Surely he'd not blurted anything out about his conversation with Alex!

It was Sam's turn to look sad. To Syed's distress he noticed a large tear developing in the corner of each of his eyes, spilling over and running down his cheek.

'You….thought….I was Christian when I cuddled you… you said you'd missed me!'

Syed stood, unable to formulate any words, barely able to think. How could he lie his way out of this. He looked at Sam, dear adorable Sam, sitting on the edge of the bath, head in hands. Syed noticed his shoulders shaking – now _he_ was really crying. What _had_ he done?

For a moment neither spoke, the only sound was the stifled sobs coming from the blonde man sitting on the edge of the bath. Then Syed said, very quietly,

'I'm sorry…..there _is_ something wrong….something very wrong.'

And he proceeded to tell Sam about the events of yesterday on the Tube. Sam listened, stunned. So he had been right – Syed _had_ been lying but he hadn't expected him to be covering up _this _news. He began to feel clammy and very cold. As Syed talked, his voice seemed to be coming from further and further away, almost from the next room.

'…and so I have to decide whether to phone Jane,'

That was the last thing Sam heard as he fell forward and crumpled down onto the bathroom floor.


	4. Chapter 4

_**I'm sorry for the delay in writing the rest of the story. Domestic Chryed distracted me but I'm going to write until the story is finished now. **_

Chapter 4

Sam blinked and looked up at Syed from where he was lying on the floor.

'You fainted!' commented Syed, stating the obvious.

Carefully, Sam sat up then pulled himself onto his feet, making his way carefully back to the bedroom.

'This was my fault, telling you about Christian,' murmured Syed following him into the room.

Sam, by now, was sitting on the bed. He turned to look at Syed, studying his face carefully.

'You want to find out how he is, don't you?'

For a moment, Syed wanted to go over to him, put his arms round him and forget he'd ever seen Alex, but he knew it was impossible. Christian was part of who he was, and who he always would be and now he needed to see him.

'I want to phone Jane,' he mumbled, hardly believing that it was his voice saying these words.

Sam looked down at the carpet. 'I can't stop you and I wouldn't want to, but…..I'm not happy about it. Do you have her number?'

'Not her mobile but I suppose I could phone the café if she's still working there.'

'Go on then,' said Sam gently. He looked at Syed his face pale with obvious worry. He looked so young and vulnerable. Why had this come along now – just when things were so good? He had shocked himself by fainting, He had dreaded Syed wanting to see Christian again and his worst nightmare seemed to be coming true. But he knew that Syed needed to find out how Christian was and he, Sam, needed to let him do just that.

'Just one request…..don't make that call anywhere that I can hear you!'

'Ok!' Syed almost ran from the room and down the stairs to the kitchen. Within a couple of minutes he had the phone number of the café and, as if in a dream, was pressing the buttons on the phone. His heart was thumping in his chest – would Jane answer? What would he say to her? He hadn't planned on ever speaking to her again – they hadn't exactly parted on the best of terms – and now here he was ringing her to find out how Christian was. Christian…lying in a hospital bed without him…maybe about to die without them ever speaking or touching each other again.

The phone rang several times. He was about to ring off when a female voice answered.

'Hello. Kath's Café.'

That didn't sound like Jane!

Syed virtually whispered, 'Can I speak to Jane?'

'She's not here at the moment. I'm Paula and I'm covering for her while she is away.'

Disappointment washed over Syed. He'd plucked up a huge amount of courage to make the call and now Jane wasn't there!

'Who's speaking?' Paula asked.

'Oh – just an old friend from the past. Just wanted to catch up with all the news.'

'Well I think she's gone up to the hospital.' said Paula. 'She spends all her spare time up there at the moment.'

Syed felt sick – so it was true. He had hoped that Alex had got it wrong, but this looked as if he hadn't. He started to shake and he could feel tears building in the corner of his eyes.

With an even softer, trembling voice he asked the question that he was almost afraid to ask.

'Has she gone to see Christian? Someone told me that he is very ill.'

For a second Paula didn't reply then she said, in an equally quiet tone, 'Yes, he is. Jane is worried sick about him. Everyone is.' Then she added, 'Do you know Christian?'

_Do I know Christian? How can I answer that? I__ knew him. I loved him then. I love him now. He was my soulmate and he still is. I will never be truly happy without him. He was my whole life. And I miss him more that could ever be described in mere words. I want to be with him. I want to lie next to him on his hospital bed, wrap my arms around him, kiss him and tell him that everything will be all right. I never want to be parted from him again_

'Yes, I knew him when I lived in the area,' was the answer he gave. A little too calmly. Then, 'Do you have Jane's mobile number?'

Paula hesitated. I don't think you should disturb her but I'll give you her number and she carefully read out the digits while Syed jotted them down, hand with difficulty his hand was shaking so much.

So this was it – he had Jane's number all he had to do now was to dial it. If Jane was in the hospital she might not answer.

'Hello. Jane Beale.'

'Jane. It's me. Syed.'

Silence.

'Syed? Syed Masood? What do you want? This is a really bad time to ring.'


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Syed's throat tightened. Now he was actually speaking to Jane he suddenly became lost for words.

'Um…yes…..I am Syed Masood. I'm really sorry to disturb you but I've heard that Christian is really ill. I …just.…wanted to know how he is.'

'Well, he's still alive if that's what you mean!' snapped Jane. 'Look, I really don't have time for this. I've got to go to sit with Christian.'

Syed could do little to stop the flow of tears now they had really started. Jane must have sensed this and spoke to him a little more sympathetically.

'I'm sorry Syed. It's just that I'm so tired. I really think it's for the best if you forget about all this. Christian is too sick to see _anyone_ and, to be honest, you would be the _last_ person I'd allow to come in here. It would all be too much for him.'

Jane's words pierced through Syed's consciousness – it was as if it had finally hit him that Christian was _desperately_ ill.

'What is wrong with Christian?' asked Syed, persevering even though he could tell that Jane wanted a swift end to the call.

'I don't think that it's any of your business now, do you? Suffice it to say that the outlook is poor. None of us are religious as you know, but even I am praying for him right now. If you want to do something positive, ask Allah to look after Christian…' Her voice broke and Syed realised that she was crying too. 'I'm sorry Syed, I really need to go now.'

And with that she switched off her mobile and was gone.

Syed felt as though he were drowning. Gasping for breath, struggling to swim against the tide. Tears pouring down his cheeks as he stared helplessly at the piece of paper with Jane's number scrawled on it.

As he stood there in a trance, he felt a pair of strong arms wrapping themselves around him from behind – Sam. He carefully turned Syed round to face him and was shocked to see the utter despair etched in his features.

'Bad news?' he asked quietly although any fool could see that it just had to be.

Unable to formulate a reply, Syed nodded, his shoulders heaving as he tried to control his sobs.

'Christian is…..very ill…..Jane wouldn't tell me what was wrong….told me to go away…said I can't see him!'

Sam wasn't sure how he felt at hearing this news. On one hand, he was pleased that Syed had been told to keep away from Christian, but on the other, he adored Syed (who wouldn't) and to see him like this was unbearable. He needed to think…he needed to be sure that his next move was the right one or he would lose Syed for ever.

'Come and sit down,' invited Sam and led Syed to the sofa. He put his arm round his shoulder and Syed snuggled up to him snuffling and sobbing like a small child.

'Why don't you go and have a lie down?' suggested Sam, 'and I'll bring you a cuppa – a doze might do you good.'

Syed was too exhausted to argue and he slumped off up stairs while Sam put the kettle on.

Once upstairs, Syed did as Sam had suggested and lay on the bed staring at the ceiling. His mind was spinning with a myriad of emotions – one thing was sure though, he had to see Christian. There was no way that he was going to forget Christian. Although Jane's words suggesting that seeing Syed might be too much for him haunted him. But what would happen if Christian died and he hadn't seen him? Which was worse – to try to see him or to stay here and maybe regret it for ever.

He sat up on the bed and for the first time since seeing Alex, he allowed a small smile to linger on his lips.

'What are you looking so pleased with yourself for?' Alex had walked into the bedroom carrying two mugs of tea.

'I've made a decision – I _am_ going to see Christian. Jane has no right to stop me. What if he dies and I haven't gone – if I hadn't at least _tried_ to see him - I'd never forgive myself!'

Sam looked at Syed sitting on the bed, pale and frail-looking. He knew that Syed had to do this – if he didn't follow his heart they could never be happy anyway. He also knew that he had as good as lost Syed already, but he had to give him his blessing and then wait to see what the future would bring. He sat next to Syed and put his arms around him.

Syed looked at Sam, just for a moment wavering in his resolution, but that didn't last, he knew he was going. He did love Sam and, if Christian hadn't, unwittingly, come back into his life, he would have stayed with him for ever, he was sure. They had even discussed making their partnership legal, but had never quite got round to doing it.

'I love you, you know,' Syed said resting his head on Sam's shoulder.

'I know – it's just that you love Christian more,' replied Sam more than regretfully. 'I can't blame you for that. You must go to him and we'll see what happens from there.'

Sam knew that he had to be prepared for this being the end of their relationship. If Christian lived, he couldn't imagine Syed returning to him – if he died…..well he knew that Syed's world would collapse and who knows what would happen then.

'When are you going?' he managed to say.

'Ummm…now… when I've had this,' he said indicating the cup of tea on the bedside cupboard. 'I'll pack a few things…won't need much, might even be back tomorrow if Jane won't let me in. I don't know for sure which hospital he's in but I'll try the local one first and take it from there.'

He climbed off the bed, pulled a rucksack off the top of the wardrobe and started stuffing a few bits of clothing into it.

Sam was distraught although he was determined not to let Syed see how he was feeling – he must hold it in until he was gone. Syed went into the bathroom to get his toothbrush and Sam quickly pushed a small photo into one of the pockets of the rucksack – so he doesn't forget me, he thought.

'Right, that's it, all packed.'

'Come here,' said Sam and the two men hugged each other tightly, each suspecting that this might be for the last time.

Syed picked up his rucksack, turned to look at Sam, who was barely holding it together, once more.

'Love you!' he mouthed.

'Love you too,' returned Sam turning his face away to hide the fact that he was openly crying now.

And with that, Syed trotted down the stairs and out through the front door. With tears streaming down his cheeks, Sam watched him almost run down the road towards the Tube. He kept him in his sight until he turned the corner and disappeared…


	6. Chapter 6

_I'__ve split this chapter into two sections – Sam's pov and Syed's pov._

Chapter 6

Sam's pov

Sam turned away from his position at the window and walked slowly across the room. How the hell had all this happened? A couple of days ago he and Syed had been leading a normal life, going to work, eating out, going to the cinema, making love and looking forward to their future together and now…,,,now here he was on his own and Syed was heading off to see Christian. Christian who should have been a long distant memory to them both.

He wandered aimlessly round the house for a while, not knowing what to do with himself. All around the house there was evidence of Syed. Not the tidiest of people, his belongings were everywhere. His leather jacket was draped on the back of a chair, work papers scattered on the work top in the kitchen and a pair of his shoes flung under the dining table. Force of habit made Sam tidy these items up, putting each one where it should be. It didn't make him feel any better, but at least the place looked more presentable.

Looking at his watch he was shocked to see that only twenty minutes had passed. He could have sworn that at least an hour must have passed. Syed would be on the Tube now…heading ever closer towards Christian.

Superficial tidying done, suddenly it all became too much for Sam and he slumped onto the sofa, closed his eyes and fought back the tears trying to banish the vision of Syed and Christian, together, from his mind.

Syed's pov

Syed left the house and set off down the street towards the Tube. He had thought of taking his car but decided against it – it would be quicker by Tube, he was sure. As he walked hurriedly down the road, he allowed Sam into his thoughts for a moment. He knew that Sam was feeling devastated about the recent turn of events and, as he almost broke into a run, he fleetingly imagined him alone in their little house. How lucky he was to have someone so understanding in his life. He really loved Sam, but he knew that the love they shared couldn't ever compare with the feelings he had for Christian even after all this time. He hadn't seen or spoken to him for ten years but the feelings he had for him were as real as when they had been together. He briefly wondered if Christian had felt the same. Certainly, Christian had made no attempt to contact him – not that he would have expected him to – not someone as proud as Christian. He, Syed, had hurt him so many times, oscillating between deciding to be with him and then changing his mind at the last minute. Small wonder that Christian had grown tired of it all and had started dating Alex. Syed could still remember how he'd felt when he'd heard….

Syed reached the Tube station and was soon sitting on the train rattling ever closer towards Walford and, he hoped, Christian. He closed his eyes and tried to rehearse, in his mind, what he would do when he reached the hospital and his mind played out various scenarios, none of them very pleasant. What would happen if Jane were there? Would he be allowed to see Christian if she was or even if she wasn't? What if he was too late and Christian had died - he banished that thought from his mind as rapidly as it had appeared. Christian – _HIS_ Christian wouldn't die. He was ill, yes, but in hospital where he would get the best treatment. No doubt about it – he would be ok.

Hanging onto this thought he began, for the umpteenth time, to wonder what was wrong with Christian. He had always been so strong and fit – Syed couldn't imagine anything flooring him. The only time he knew that Christian had been inside a hospital was when he'd been bashed by Qadim's heavies after his and Christian's affair had been revealed. It must be something serious though for Jane to be at his bedside like this. But, Syed convinced himself, Christian would be all right. The world wasn't ready to lose Christian just yet and he certainly wasn't!

He looked at his watch. He'd been gone for half an hour – what would Sam be doing? He imagined his boyfriend rattling around in the house on his own, worrying about him. Sam always did worry about him. Sometimes too much, Syed acknowledged, but knowing he was there for him gave him the confidence he needed even if he sometimes felt smothered by him.

After almost an hour, he arrived at Walford Station. Too late to change his mind now he thought and as he came out into fresh air he got out his 'phone and rang Sam to reassure him that he had arrived safely. That was the least he could do. He noticed immediately how quiet Sam's voice was, obviously hurting, and he felt an instantaneous desire to rush home to see him. What was he doing damaging _this_ relationship for one which ended years ago? Sam was real – he wanted him as he was with all his foibles and hang-ups from the past. He accepted him for who he was and would, there was no doubt in Syed's mind, walk across burning coals for him, if needed.

'I can't do this!' he blurted down the phone. 'I've made a mistake…I want to come home!'

There was silence at the other end of the phone for a moment.

'You can't go all that way and not see him,' Sam retorted. 'You know that I want you to come home but I also know that you need to see this through. I'll be here _WHEN_ you come home.'

Now Sam was almost pushing him towards Christian, Syed felt a rising wave of panic engulf him. He had to do this thing – he knew now that Sam wouldn't want him back until he'd seen Christian – he wanted him to get this out of his system before he returned home. (_If_ he returned home a little nagging voice in his head whispered.)

There was a click and Syed realised that Sam had turned his phone off leaving him to face the situation alone.

Sam's pov

Sam dozed in and out or consciousness on the sofa. He felt exhausted by recent events and needed time to gather his thoughts. The phone rang.

'Hi it's me. I've just arrived at Walford. The journey was ok.'

It was Syed. Why had he bothered to ring?

Quietly, he said, 'Are you going straight to the hospital?'

'Yes, might as well get it over.'

'Ok, well I hope it goes ok and that you get to see him.'

Suddenly, Syed blurted out, 'I can't do this! I've made a mistake…I want to come home!'

Sam didn't know what to say. There was nothing more that he wanted than for Syed to come home but he knew that Christian would always be part of Syed's life if he returned without full resolution. They needed to see it through to the end, whatever that might be, now. The only way to get Christian Clarke out of their relationship for good was to let events run their course and, if Syed returned home to him they could put all this behind them.

'You can't go all that way and not see him,' Sam retorted. 'You know that I want you to come home but I also know that you need to see this through. I'll be here _WHEN_ you come home.'

He emphasised the word 'when' to let Syed know that he was _expecting_ him to come home. And then he switched his phone off. He imagined Syed standing outside Walford Tube Station, confused, but he knew that he needed Syed to face up to the situation now and there was no going back for now.

Syed's pov

Syed looked at his phone – call disconnected! He tried ringing Sam back in case he'd accidentally been cut off but the phone went straight to answer phone.

'Hi, it's me, just wanted to say I love you and I'll be back soon,' he almost whispered into the phone.

And with that he walked around the corner to the bus stop where he knew that a bus would take him to the hospital, a short journey away. Any time now he would see the hospital and sure enough, within a few moments the bus was stopping outside by the big sign that said '_Walford General Hospital'_. He was not the only one getting off there, but he was the slowest walking into the hospital, trying to delay the inevitable!

Syed walked into the reception area. He must check that Christian was, in fact, a patient in this hospital. Maybe he'd been taken somewhere else – his spirits raised – perhaps he could just go home and tell Sam he couldn't find Christian!

'Can I help you?' a smiling receptionist looked in his direction from behind a desk.

'Ur no….yes….err…..Christian Clarke…..err is he a patient here?' There, he'd said his name!

'Are you a relative?' The receptionist looked quizzically at him.

'No, not really I just want to know if he's here.' He gave a faint smile to the woman. 'He's a friend and I've been told that he's very ill…just want to see him.'

The receptionist tapped on her keyboard, 'Is that C-L-A-R-K?'

'With an E at the end, ' grinned Syed, ' he is proud of that extra E!'

'Christian Clarke you say. Yes, he's here. In Intensive Care.'

Syed stared at her, shocked, 'Intensive Care?' he repeated. So he really was sick. He felt guilty for having any doubts now.

'Yes. Do you want to see him?'

'Yes..please…where do I go?'

The receptionist pointed across the foyer of the hospital towards some doors which were obviously the lifts.

'Fourth floor. Follow the signs. They might not let you in if you're not a relative, but you can try.'

She smiled warmly at Syed obviously realising that he was very concerned about his friend. 'I hope it's good news,' she said.

'What?..Oh thanks…' said Syed, distracted, and, again, the woman noticed how worried he looked as he walked heavily towards the lifts. He pressed the button and the last she saw of him was as he entered the lift.

The lift stopped and the doors slid open. _Fourth floor_. That's what she'd said. A sign pointing down the corridor. Syed had to force his legs to propel him forward. Forward to where Christian was. He saw the doors for Intensive Care ahead. Christian was just the other side of those doors. The doors had a security lock on them with a key pad. A little buzzer to summon a nurse. Syed's finger reached out and pressed. A nurse appeared.

'Can I help you?

'Christian Clarke. I've come to see him.'

'Are you a relative? He's already got two visitors and we can't allow any more I'm afraid – he is very sick.'

'Please…,' Syed's eyes pleaded with the nurse, 'can I just see him for a moment, I've travelled right across London to see him.'

The nurse studied Syed intently. There was such a look of desperation on his face that she just couldn't turn him away.

'Wait a moment. I'll see what I can do. Perhaps just for five minutes. Come and wait in here.' She let Syed in through the doors and indicated a seat.

She went through double doors close by and was gone, leaving Syed sitting in the corridor of the ward. Syed stared helplessly at the floor. His heart was thudding and he was struggling to keep his breathing normal. He had never felt so nervous in his life. Two visitors there already? Who would that be? Jane and Lucy maybe – well _they_ would never let him in to see Christian. Perhaps it was Roxy – he might have a little more luck with her but he frankly didn't hold out much hope with any of Christian's friends or family. None of them had any time for him.

They had all been so protective of him all those years ago. Accused him of messing with Christian's emotions. He remembered all the comments that had been made – comments which had hurt him and made him realise that he had to leave the Square. There had been too much history between them to live so close to each other. Christian had given him so many (some would have said _too many)_ chances, and he had let him down so many times. So when he started a relationship with Alex, Syed could not apportion any blame to him. He knew that Christian had loved him – every action, every word had proved that. But would he still be feeling the same now?

He heard footsteps coming from the direction the nurse had gone, breaking into his daydream and louder than before. As if two people were approaching. Syed looked up and with a sense of almost terror, he realised that the other person was none other than Jane!

'What the hell are you doing here? I told you to keep away!' she spat at him.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Syed looked up and his eyes met those of a very angry Jane now standing there, towering over him, still seated.

'I asked you - what you are doing here?' she repeated, if anything more agitated. 'I told you not to come. I told you he is very sick and that you were the last person he needed right now.'

Syed stood up so that at least he was on a level with her. Jane advanced towards him.

'Well?' her voice rose so that she was almost screaming at him.

'Mrs Beale, please try to keep your voice down,' the nurse said. 'There are some very sick people in here!'

'Yes I know! My brother is one of them and I don't want him,' she indicated to Syed, 'in here!'

Syed looked towards the nurse.

'I think you'd better go,' she said softly. 'I did say that you might not be able to see Mr Clarke.'

Syed had no words. He felt tears pricking his eyes, as they had done so many times in the past couple of days. He knew that he had no right to see Christian if Jane wouldn't allow it and it was obvious from her reaction just now that she would never let him in.

'You still haven't answered me!' again Jane spoke to Syed. 'I told you not to come. Christian is lying in the bed through there. I don't want him to see you. To get upset.'

Syed stood rooted to the spot. Jane telling him that Christian was just behind those doors made him feel more desperate than ever. Just two wooden swing doors between him and the man he loved, the man he hadn't seen for so long, the man who, by all accounts, was seriously ill, who maybe was about to die.

'I'm sorry I came,' began Syed. Then he said, 'No I'm not. I came because I wanted to see Christian. Alex told me that it was serious and I had to come. I still have…feelings for him.'

'Feelings? What feelings?' spat Jane. 'You ruined his life. He loved you. He would have given up everything for you and all you did was kick him in the teeth by marrying Amira. He gave you so many chances, Syed – even right at the end he would have taken you back but no, you kept telling him that you wanted to see him but then backing out on him. I think he described himself as your '_dirty little secret_' didn't he? How long did you expect him to go on for? To see you behind Amira's back – was that what you wanted? Like a sordid affair?'

She slightly softened her tone. 'Sorry Syed, it's all ancient history now. You can't see him I'm afraid – you'd better go.'

And with that she turned and walked back through the swing doors leading to Christian's room.

'Come on, Sir, time to go,' said the nurse opening the exit doors again. , There's nothing we can do if a relative doesn't want a visitor. Perhaps you could write him a letter.'

Syed shook his head, still unable to formulate anything half reasonable in his head.

'Ok, I'm going.'

He walked reluctantly through the doors and retraced his route back to the lift. Soon he found himself back in the foyer of the hospital where he stood for a moment replaying the events upstairs in his head, then he sat down on a chair and got out his phone to ring Sam.

'Hi, it's me again. Jane won't let me in to see Christian,' he mumbled despondently.

'What are you going to do?' asked Sam, trying to sound sorry but actually feeling something bordering on relief.

'There's nothing I can do. Jane won't let me in. The nurse knows that so even if I wait 'til Jane's gone, they still won't let me in. I'll come home.' He sighed.

'Ok. If you're sure.' He paused. 'Syed…..I am sorry you know.'

'I know – see you in a couple of hours I expect.' And he rang off.

Walking towards the exit, he passed the receptionist who he'd spoken to earlier. She recognised him but was shocked to see how upset he was looking.

'Bad news about your friend then?' she asked. He certainly looked like someone who had suffered a bereavement.

'What…oh…I didn't get to see him. His sister wouldn't let me in.'

The receptionist smiled sympathetically. 'What have you done to upset her?' she said jokingly.

'It's a very long story,' replied Syed. 'Suffice it to say that we are not exactly close.'

The pair of them continued to chat for a couple of minutes when they were disturbed by the lift doors opening and hurrying footsteps approaching. Syed, who had his back to the lift, spun round, and was horrified to see Lucy coming towards him, out of breath.

'Syed….I'm so glad I caught you in time…Jane told me what happened up there…I told her that she was wrong, very wrong turning you away like that and that Christian would want to see you. It took me a while to persuade her but she has agreed to let you see him for five minutes. I thought you'd have gone!'

Eyes shining bright, Syed turned back to the receptionist, who'd heard the whole exchange.

'You go on up,' she said gently, 'and make the most of those five minutes.'

With Lucy walking ahead of him, Syed followed her across the foyer.

'Look, Syed, before we go up I think we need to talk. Shall we have a quick coffee so that I can tell you what has been happening? I don't think Jane will want to talk to you. You know, to explain.'

For a moment, Syed's heart sank. He had imagined that he would get to be with Christian immediately, but he still had to endure a 'chat' with Lucy. Might be for the best though – after all he still didn't know what was wrong with Christian.

Lucy led the way to the hospital coffee shop.

'I've spent a few hours in here!' she said ruefully. They picked up a coffee each and sat at a quiet table in the corner.

'Thanks for doing this Lucy,' said Syed. 'Please tell me everything!'

Lucy started to speak, to explain how it was that her beloved uncle was lying here, in Intensive Care.

'Christian has something called endocarditis,' Lucy explained.

The look of puzzlement on Syed's face prompted her to continue. 'It's to do with is heart. His heart has an infection.'

'How did that happen?' Syed's puzzlement turned to sheer fear. A problem with his heart, how come? Christian, always strong and fit. A heart problem? Impossible.

'Jane did tell me, something to do with an abscess he had in his tooth. The bacteria from that have got into his blood stream and have gone to his heart. One of his heart valves is damaged. He is having massive doses of antibiotics to get rid if the infection but even if he survives, his heart valve will stay damaged so he will need an operation to replace it.'

Syed felt as though someone had poured a bucket of icy water over him. This surely was terrible news. he shook his head trying to make sense of all this.

Quietly, hardly wanting to hear the answer, he asked, 'But will he live? I mean will they be able to get rid of the infection?'

Lucy shrugged her shoulders. 'They don't know. Some people recover from this but some don't. At the moment they can't tell. The trouble is, Christian didn't go to the doctor for ages. He thought he had 'flu – he felt shivery and achy – and tried to let it get better on its own. It was only when he kept feeling worse and went to the doctor that they found out he had something more serious. He may have left it too late – if he'd started treatment sooner he might not have had as much damage. Then they brought him in here. We are all so worried about him.' Tears were rolling down her cheeks uncontrollably now.

Syed reached across the table and put his hand on hers.

For a few minutes, they sat opposite each other in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. It was clear how much Lucy adored her uncle – at least we have something in common, thought Syed sadly.

'Thanks for getting Jane to let me see him,' said Syed breaking the silence.

'Well she's not happy,' said Lucy. 'Don't expect a hero's welcome when you go up but I think she will be ok. Shall we go?'

They stood up and made their way towards the lifts once more. Now he knew he was really seeing Christian he felt oddly excited, but frighteningly nervous at the same time. They rode up in the lift in silence and made their way back to the ward. Lucy opened the security door, knowing the code – she'd used it so often, and within a few seconds were standing outside the swing doors again.

'Wait there a second – I'll tell Jane you're here.'

Lucy disappeared through the doors and returned in no time at all with Jane.

'You have Lucy to thank for this,' she told him. 'You have five minutes – no more – then you are out of here. And don't say anything to upset him.'

'I've told Syed what is wrong with Christian,' Lucy informed Jane.

'Right – go on then. Your five minutes begin now. He's in the bay second on the left.'

Pushing open the doors, Syed was in a corridor with individual rooms on both sides of the corridor. Second on the left, that's what she'd said.

He slowly pushed open the door to Christian's room and there he was, lying on his back, eyes closed and a drip in the back of his hand. Lucy had told him that Christian was having antibiotics intravenously. A heart monitor was bleeping away showing his pulse rate and blood pressure and he had an oxygen mask over his face. Syed allowed the momentary shock to subside then walked slowly towards the bed. He carefully lowered himself onto the chair right next to the bed, never taking his eyes of Christian who still lay with his eyes closed. Syed reached out and grasped Christian's hand gently. Looking at the slim hand he thought how thin it was and how pale. He stroked the back of Christian's hand with is thumb. All the bones of his hand were prominent and the veins were clearly defined. Christian stirred.

'Christian…it's me… Syed.'

No response from Christian. He reached his free hand towards Christian's face and gently stroked his cheek.

'It's me, Syed.'

This time, Christian made a little murmuring sound and then slowly opened his eyes, staring at Syed in disbelief.

He tried to speak but no coherent words came out.

'Sshh don't speak. I'll just sit here for a moment. Jane has said I can only stay for five minutes.'

Christian's eyes kept shutting and opening again as if he could hardly believe Syed was really there. He squeezed Syed's hand, Syed returned the squeeze. Then he noticed that Christian was crying. Huge tears were rolling down his cheeks onto his pillow. Syed got a tissue and mopped them up.

Very faintly Christian's lips formed the words, 'How did you know I was here?'

'Alex told me. I needed to see you. I've missed you so much.'

The door to the room opened and Jane was standing looking at them both.

'Time to go. You've seen him. He needs to rest now.'

Syed started to object, thought better of it and stood up, planting a delicate kiss on Christian's forehead.

'It'll be all right,' he whispered. 'I love you Christian. Please get better….for me.'

Christian was crying again and gave Syed's hand one last squeeze.

'Don't go,' he mouthed.

'I must, you need to rest,' Syed walked towards the door.

Turning to look at Christian once more he saw tears flooding down Christian's face. The bleeping on the heart rate monitor was more rapid and it was obvious that Christian was stressed – his heart was racing.

'Lucy, get the nurse. That doesn't sound right to me!' urged Jane.

Lucy disappeared.

'Right you, go. You've done enough damage to him for one day. I told you not to upset him.'

Jane pushed Syed out of the door and when he looked round she was by Christian's bed, holding his hand.

With a heavy heart, Syed went through the doors and walked back out of the ward the way he'd come.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Putting the key in the lock, Syed quietly turned it and pushed open the door. The house was in darkness apart from a small light in the hallway. He took off his jacket and dropped his rucksack on the floor before climbing quietly up the stairs. He looked in to the bedroom and saw that Sam was in bed, hopefully asleep, so he noiselessly cleaned his teeth and tiptoed into the bedroom, got undressed and slipped under the duvet.

Sam didn't stir and Syed could tell from his regular breathing that he was asleep. Normally, if he'd come in late and Sam was in bed he would have reached over to him, probably woken him up, but at the very least fallen asleep with his arms around him. Tonight was different. He kept resolutely to his own side of the bed, hoping against hope that Sam wouldn't wake up.

Lying awake in the dark, Syed replayed the events of the day over and over again in his head. All he could see was Christian lying in that bed, tears pouring from his eyes and he, Syed, unable to stay with him let alone help him. The last thing he'd heard was Lucy urgently calling for help. His mind went into overdrive – perhaps Christian, at this very minute was dead. No-one would think of telling _him_. Lucy was his best bet. but she wouldn't put him top of her list of priorities should the unthinkable happen.

He listened to Sam's rhythmic breathing in the dark. He looked at the clock – only midnight – this was going to be a very long night! In the dark he checked his phone for messages – there were none of course – and continued his vigil alone and very much awake.

At about 3 am, Sam suddenly stirred and threw an arm over to his side of the bed. It took Syed by surprise and he made a small exclamation due to the fact he'd been hit in the face!

Sam's bedside light flickered on and, propping himself up on one elbow, he fixed Syed with a questioning look.

'What time did you get back?' he asked with a slight edge to his voice. 'You can't have set off home when you said or you'd have been back ages ago. What happened?'

For a moment, Syed argued with himself about whether he should tell Sam all the events of last night or not. He decided that he ought to tell him the events exactly as they had occurred. Sam sat up in bed with the duvet wrapped around him, listening to Syed's account of the events in the hospital. He was struck by the fact it was very matter of fact account – Syed was conveniently leaving out any mention of emotion. Syed's side of the bedroom was dark so Sam wasn't able to see his eyes glistening with tears as he told him how he'd had to leave Christian waiting for the nurse to attend him, heart racing.

'And when I left the hospital, I went back to Walford and walked around the Square in the dark,' he finished off.

In truth, Syed hadn't wanted to return home immediately so he took the bus back to the Square and, under cover of darkness, took a walk around revisiting all his old haunts. The first stop was his old home – Zainab and Masood no longer lived there but had moved, along with Kamil and Tam. They couldn't face the shame (as Zainab succinctly put it) of remaining in the Square after Syed had left. They had wanted nothing more to do with him and he hadn't had any contact with them since leaving himself. He walked past the old Masala Queen unit – memories of his first kiss with Christian, play fights, arguments, making up again, Christian's comforting hug when Lucy had blackmailed him, all came back as if it were yesterday.

He passed the door of his old flat, the one he had briefly rented with Amira and then he stopped outside the blue door of Christian's flat. Christian still lived there, running his very successful Personal Training business in the area. He smiled to himself remembering all the emotional times he's spent there with Christian. The first time they'd slept together. All the lies he'd had to tell his parents in order to spend the whole night with Christian. The showers together, laughter, happiness, sadness and love. He looked longingly at that front door, almost felt tempted to ring the buzzer but then a terrible sadness washed over him remembering where Christian was. He would do anything to see him walk out of that door, even if it was to tell him to clear off. Just to know that he was alive and safe.

He had one more stop to make before he went home – the café. He remembered how, on his wedding day he and Christian had met alone in the café. Christian desperate to stop him making the biggest mistake of his life, he, Syed feeling trapped and desperate.

He remembered telling Christian that he was gay and that he loved him. That he wished he didn't but that he was going to marry Amira. The sight of Christian crying still haunted him as Christian pleaded with him to be with him if he loved him and asked him why he had come to the café. He had told Christian that he missed him, wanted to see him and had hoped that Christian would tell him that everything was going to be ok. Well, it hadn't been and he had married Amira, breaking Christian's heart in the process. The café had so many memories.

He couldn't go into the café but stood for a while outside. Christian's words reverberating around his head – what would have happened if he'd listened to him? All these wasted years!

Syed spared Sam all the details of his visit to the Square – just said that he needed to clear his head before coming back – hence the later than planned return.

Something told Sam that Syed didn't want to discuss the visit any more – he had told him the bare bones of it and wasn't ready to reveal more at the moment.

Sam reached across to kiss Syed but realised that he had fallen asleep propped up on his pillows. He decided to leave him be – there would be plenty of time to talk tomorrow.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

It was Sunday morning. Impossible to believe that all this had happened since Friday evening. Syed felt as if he'd packed a lifetime of experiences into the last day and a half. He lay in bed with his eyes firmly closed, hoping that Sam would think he was still asleep. He couldn't face talking to him. All he wanted to do was go back to the hospital, see Christian and then never leave him again. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to be here with Sam now – but this was his home too and he couldn't see Christian. So what should he do? He had no-where else to go. Avoidance was the best plan for the moment but he would have to 'wake up' soon. He heard Sam moving around, showering, getting dressed, Normally, they would have been sitting in bed together on a Sunday morning, talking, reading the papers, making love, but now he was faking sleep so that they didn't have to talk.

Sam sat heavily on the bed – deliberately trying to wake him

'Wakey, wakey, rise and shine!'

'Leave me alone!' grunted Syed feigning sleepiness when really he was wide awake and trying to decide what to do,

'Look – I know you're awake. You don't have to talk you know,' said Sam kindly.

That was the trouble with Sam – he was kind and that made Syed feel even worse, if that were possible.

Reluctantly, Syed opened his eyes. 'I just can't talk any more about yesterday,' he whispered. 'Christian is desperately ill. I want to see him and can't - what else can I say. There isn't anything else I can say is there?

Sam wrapped his big arms around him almost suffocating him. Syed snuggled his face into Sam's neck and in the comfort of Sam's embrace, began to cry. He cried as he had never done before. Huge sobs wracked his body and tears flooded down onto Sam's neck. Sam hugged him tighter, waiting for the terrible sobs to subside. Syed's whole body was shaking and he thought that his heart would break.

Neither man spoke but they sat there on the bed for what seemed like hours. Eventually, Syed's tears slowed, his sobs stopped and he lifted his head off Sam's neck.

'I'm sorry,' he said. 'But I'm so worried about Christian. How can she stop me from seeing him?'

'If you mean Jane – she can do anything she wants,' replied Sam. 'I don't think that Christian is in a position to decide much for himself.'

'But he wanted me to stay,' Syed's voice was faltering. 'He was ok when I was there, but when she made me leave he was crying and his heart was going mad. Couldn't she see that he wanted me there?' The tears started again.

Sam rubbed Syed's arm with his hand. 'I don't know what you can do.'

Sam's heart was also breaking seeing his lover like this. He'd imagined that Syed would have gone to see Christian but would have, perhaps, found him not quite as ill as Jane had implied. But this was the worst scenario – he had Syed physically at home but mentally he was in the hospital with Christian. He couldn't blame Christian as _he_ hadn't made contact with Syed – no, this was just sod's law – no-one to blame but everyone suffering.

'Come on, get dressed, we need to do something today to take your mind off things. How about going out for lunch somewhere? What d'you think?'

'Whatever you want.' replied Syed flatly. He really couldn't care less anymore. All he wanted was to go back to Walford. He knew now that Christian did still love him – just the squeeze of his hand had been enough to reassure Syed of that.

Deliberately, Syed showered and dressed. He really just wanted to curl up under the duvet and stay there for the rest of the day but he owed it Sam to make some sort of effort. In the kitchen there was a cup of coffee and a couple of slices of toast and honey waiting for him.

He perched on a stool and surreptitiously watched Sam as he busied himself around the kitchen wishing it was Christian. He remembered times when he had stolen a night at Christian's flat and had been given breakfast by him. It had always made them laugh that Christian never had any food in the flat and he always had to go to the Minute Mart to stock up. Christian's answer when teased about it by Syed was that he had no-one to cook for other than himself.

'Penny for them!' said Sam.

'Oh, nothing. Just thinking.'

'Not good for you,' Sam attempted some humour but realised that Syed was not receptive to it.

'So…what do you want to do today then?'

Syed's patience left him. 'Can you leave me alone, _please_? I don't want to do _anything_. Just stay here. I can't just put him out of my mind y'know. He may be dead and I wouldn't know. How am I supposed to enjoy a day out feeling like _this_. Don't you get it at all?'

He got up and walked out of the room. Grabbing his coat he left the house and headed off towards the local park to clear his head.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Sam stood in the kitchen, part of him was shocked by Syed's outburst and part of him had expected it. He started washing up. Behind him, on the worktop a mobile rang.

Sam turned round and saw Syed's phone – he'd gone out in such a hurry that he'd left it behind.

He walked slowly towards the phone, picked it up and pressed the answer button.

'Yes?'

'Syed?' a woman's voice on the other end queried.

'No – this is Sam. Who is this?'

'Jane. I need to speak to Syed urgently. Is he there?'

'He's gone for a walk – he's very upset about yesterday.'

'That's what I'm ringing about. Christian. He has taken a turn for the worse. Syed needs to come to see him _now_. Can you tell him?

Sam told her that he would find Syed and tell him. Where was he? He could be anywhere – should he go looking for him or wait for him to come home? He had a pretty good idea where he might be. Worth a risk.

Sam grabbed his keys and Syed's phone and set off towards the park. There was a place in the park that they would go to sometimes to sit and watch the world go by. They would sit on the wooden bench, arms around each other chatting and enjoying each other's company. He may be there.

Sam broke into a run and was soon in the park heading toward their bench. As he approached he saw a slight figure, sitting on the bench, shoulders hunched, head in hands. Sam slowed to a walk and as he approached, Syed looked up.

'What are you doing here? I want to be on my own.'

'I know but you left _this_ behind.' He held out the phone to Syed.

Syed's eyes widened – he put two and two together – 'Has someone phoned about Christian?'

'Yes, Jane has.' said Sam gently. He sat next to Syed on the bench – their bench. 'Look Syed, Jane phoned. She wants you to go to Christian now – he has taken a turn for the worse.'

Syed stared at the phone, unseeing. That was it – he had the news he was waiting for and needed to act. He got up and started running towards the exit of the park.

'Syed – stop a minute. I'll drive you over there!' shouted Sam. 'You're in no fit state to go on your own. I'll drive you to Walford and leave you there. Would you like me to do that?'

In a trembly voice Syed said that he would and together they jogged back home. They jumped into the sports car, Sam driving and Syed sitting hunched in the passenger seat.

As it was Sunday, the traffic was lighter than normal and Sam drove as quickly as he was able to. Syed sat in silence, again running all the scenarios through his head. Things must be bad if Jane had phoned him. She had obviously kept his number from when he had rung her yesterday.

Soon they were in east London and a sign for Walford showed that they had a mile to go. There was the sign for the hospital. And now they were in its forecourt.

'Go on then, go to him.' Sam leaned across to give Syed a kiss. 'I'll go home. You don't want me here.'

Syed kissed him back. 'Thanks for bringing me. You can stay if you want.'

'No. I'm going. It's up to you now.' He put his hand on Syed's cheek and stroked it lightly. 'If you want to stay with him, it's ok with me. I love you but you love _him_ more than _me_. You must both do what is best.'

Syed climbed out of the car. He was so lucky having Sam but he knew that he had to go back to Christian and he knew that Sam wanted him to do that.

He put two fingers to his lips and blew a soft kiss to Sam then he went inside the hospital. Sam put the car into gear and drove off, heavy hearted but resigned.


	9. Chapter 9

Knowing his way to Intensive Care from his last visit, only the day before, Syed hurried over to the lift and pressed the button. He could hear the lift clanking above him, the doors opening and closing as it came down to the ground floor where he was waiting, impatiently. Finally, after what seemed hours but was only a minute or so, the lift arrived, the doors opened and he shot inside pressing the button for the fourth floor.

He could hardly breathe he felt so nervous. Christian must be really bad for Jane to actually ask him to come. He tried to pull himself together as the lift arrived at his floor – the last thing Christian needed now was him being over emotional. He needed to be strong to help Christian in whatever way he could.

He scurried along the corridor to the security doors which marked his arrival at the Intensive Care Unit and pressed the buzzer. Another short (but seemingly endless) wait for a nurse to appear and then he found himself retracing his steps back to Christian's room.

Tentatively, he opened the door. Jane and Lucy were by the bed, and both looked up when they saw him.

'Syed, I'm so glad you've come,' said Jane in a complete about turn from her attitude the day before. 'Can you come outside for a moment - I need to talk to you?'

Syed looked at Christian, still lying on his back, heart monitor bleeping away and the oxygen mask on his face. His eyes were closed as he slept.

Syed had an overwhelming urge to throw himself on the bed next to Christian and hold him and never let him go. But, reluctantly, he nodded at Jane and followed her out of the room.

As Syed looked at Jane he noticed tears welling up in her eyes as she struggled to speak.

'Thanks for coming,' she repeated. 'I thought you might stay away after yesterday.'

Syed studied her face intently, not sure what to say. He had a lot that he wanted to say about what had happened but realised this was neither the time nor the place.

Jane continued, 'After you left yesterday, Christian's heart began to race and the doctors were worried that he was going to have a heart attack. The infection in his heart has weakened it and it has to work harder so having it race like that was worrying to say the least. I really thought we would lose him.'

The tears continued to well up. Syed remained silent.

'The reason I phoned you…the reason I had to phone you…was that the doctors said that he was stressed and I realised that it was because you'd gone. _He_ wanted you to stay and I'd told you to go. Syed…he wants you here. I'm sorry I sent you away.'

Jane looked at him, her eyes pleading. 'Please stay with him for a while.'

For the first time, Syed spoke. 'I was praying that I could get to see him again. How's he doing?'

'They're treating the infection with large doses of antibiotics but he has some damage to one of his heart valves already. I think Lucy told you that he will need an operation to replace it – if he survives. The main thing is to keep him calm – that's why I asked you to come back. He needs to rest and I think he _will_ if you're with him.' She reached across to Syed and grabbed his arm. '_Please_ say you'll stay.'

'Of course I will,' returned Syed. 'I'm supposed to be at work tomorrow but I'll phone in the morning and make an excuse.'

'Thanks,' said Jane faintly. 'Go in and see him. Lucy and I'll go home for a while if that's ok. We've hardly been home for days. Bobby will have forgotten what I look like soon.'

Syed smiled, and the two of them went back into Christian's room. Jane beckoned to Lucy and they quietly left the room, leaving Syed alone, at last, with Christian.

Christian was asleep, eyes closed, breathing rhythmically, unaware that Syed was there. Syed sat down on the chair next to the bed and, again, gently took his hand. He studied the long, slim fingers and, as he had the day before, noticed how thin Christian's hands had become. With his thumb, he massaged the back of his hand never taking his eyes off Christian's face all the while.

As Syed maintained his vigil by Christian's bed, Christian remained asleep. Nurses came in and out to check his pulse rate and temperature and to check that the antibiotic drip was running fine.

It must have been almost two hours later that Christian began to stir from his sleep. Opening his eyes and seeing Syed there, he reached out and grabbed his hand and gripped it so hard that Syed thought he'd break a bone.

'Hey! How are you? I couldn't stay away!'

Christian smiled weakly and tried to speak.

'Sssh. Don't try to speak. You need to rest.' He put his finger on Christian's lips. Christian kissed it tenderly.

Very faintly, Christian whispered, 'Why did you go yesterday?'

'I didn't want to tire you out,' lied Syed.

'I wanted you to stay.'

'Sorry. I'm not going anywhere today.' Syed stood up and gently kissed Christian on the forehead. 'It's going to be all right you know.'

They sat for a while holding hands, in silence. Christian dozed in and out of sleep, relaxed now that Syed was with him.

The door of the room opened and a nurse came in.

'Mrs Beale has just phoned. Do you need her to come back or are you ok to stay for a while?'

Syed smiled. 'Can you tell Jane..sorry Mrs Beale…that I'm not leaving here. She can have a night off. I'm not leaving Christian now. I'll stay all night with him if that's ok.'

The grip on Syed's hand tightened,

'Thanks,' came Christian's voice. '_Please_ stay with me. I can't do this without you.'

'I'm not going anywhere – you're stuck with me now I'm afraid!'

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So Syed, alone, sat with Christian that evening. Christian continued to doze while Syed sat tenderly holding his hand. Sometimes Christian was awake enough to attempt to talk, other times he was content to listen to Syed. He had plenty of questions but Syed was very wary of saying anything to upset him. As a result, conversation was limited, mainly about Syed's work, Syed steering deftly away from talking about Sam. Now wasn't the time and place to mention him.

When conversation waned, Syed allowed his thoughts to wander and inevitably they turned to Sam. He should ring him, he thought but looking at his darling Christian lying there, he couldn't bear to leave him long enough to make the call. He had wasted enough time being apart from him – even five minutes away from him now would be unbearable.

As the evening progressed, sleep began to overtake Syed. He could scarcely believe what had happened today – he felt as though he'd been awake for hours and his eyelids began to close. His head fell forward until he was resting it on Christian's arm.

'Wake up, Sy! You've fallen asleep!' He heard Christian's voice.

Syed yawned. 'I'm sooo tired,' he said.

Christian patted the bed. 'Come and lie here with me,' he whispered. 'I'm sure there's enough room if we snuggle up together.' Syed didn't need to be asked twice. He took his boots off and climbed up next to Christian, who moved over slightly to give him room. Syed put his head on the pillow and turned to face Christian. He pulled off Christian's oxygen mask and, within seconds they were kissing. Syed wrapped his arm over Christian and pressed himself as close to him as was humanly possible.

'Better put this back on,' he said, replacing Christian's oxygen and then he laid down again with his head almost touching Christian's. Finally, the events of the day overtook him and he fell asleep.

Christian, who'd slept for most of the day, was still awake. He looked at the beautiful man sleeping next to him. He couldn't believe that his Sy had come back to him after all this time. He had really believed that he would never see him again. He'd often wondered what had happened to the man who was the love of his life. He'd heard snippets about Syed, but nothing definite and had given up hope of ever setting eyes on him, let alone kissing him, ever again. And yet here he was, lying next to him on his hospital bed.

'I love you, Sy' he whispered into his ear. Syed didn't hear, although at that moment he stirred and smiled to himself.

A little while later, a nurse came in to check on Christian again and found the two men snuggled together peacefully, asleep. Christian in the bed and Syed on top of the blankets, fully clothed, with his arm over Christian, protectively. She covered Syed with a blanket, turned off the light and left the room closing the door quietly behind her.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Syed opened his eyes carefully, just for a moment wondering where he was. Christian was already awake and looking across the pillow at him.

'Wake up sleepy head,' smiled Christian, 'I thought you were going to sleep for ever!'

Syed yawned and rubbed his eyes. 'I feel like I _could _sleep for ever,' he replied. 'That was a helluva weekend!'

Christian put his arm aver Syed's body and tried to pull him closer. 'Come here, you. What a gorgeous sight waking up and finding you here.'

Syed wriggled closer and soon they were cuddling. Syed gently planted a kiss on Christian's lips. 'How are you feeling today?'

'Better for having you here,' Christian laughed.

Syed sat up. As he did so the door of the room opened and a nurse came in to check Christian's pulse and temperature and to top up his antibiotics.

'You look better, Christian.' she remarked. 'How are you feeling?'

Christian told her that he was feeling slightly better and had had a good night's sleep, 'Thanks to my gorgeous friend here,' he added with a grin.

The nurse smiled. 'Addressing Syed she said, 'You'd better stay with him if it makes this much difference!'

Syed exchanged glances with Christian and said, 'I intend to!'

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After breakfast, Syed called his office to tell them that he wouldn't be in for a few days because, he said, his granny was sick and he needed to take care of her.

He sat on the chair next to Christian's bed. He was happy to see that there was more colour in his face although he was still far from his normal self. Christian was very sleepy and Syed was happy to sit while he slept, unable to believe that he was really there with him.

Jane arrived. Christian woke up and the three of them chatted for a while, Syed describing their sleeping arrangements.

'You must be wanting to get a change of clothes and a shower,' said Jane. 'Are you going home?'

Syed hesitated. 'I'm not going home,' he said, 'but you're right about the change of clothes. I've got s few things in my rucksack but a shower sounds good.

Christian turned to look at Syed. 'Why don't you go back to my flat? There's plenty of hot water there and some clean clothes if you don't mind wearing mine.'

'I don't want to leave you though!' said Syed.

'I don't want you to go but you can come back… can't he, Jane? Take my keys – they're in the drawer.'

'Of course. Why don't you have a break? I'll stay with Christian – come back when you want. Have a nap if you want. The doctor is coming round soon to tell us how Christian is getting on.'

So, reluctantly, Syed stood up and kissed Christian who gripped his hand tightly. 'Don't be long,' he whispered. 'I need you here. I can't make it without you.' Then he dropped his voice so Jane wouldn't hear and whispered, 'I love you' Sy.'

Syed leant forward again and went to kiss Christian's cheek. As he did so he whispered, 'I love you too!' in his ear.

Flashing a smile at Jane, he left the room and made his way out of the hospital to the bus stop where he caught the bus back to Albert Square.

Arriving at The Square, Syed retraced his steps to Christian's blue door. He had a strange feeling as he put the key in the lock and opened the door to the flat which had unoccupied since Christian had been taken to hospital. He threw his rucksack on the sofa and wandered around, soaking up the atmosphere and trying to imagine Christian here again. He shivered involuntarily as he wondered whether Christian would ever see his flat again. After a hot shower, Syed lay on the bed and wrapped himself up in Christian's duvet. He was so tired that it wasn't long before sleep overcame him.

He must have slept for hours, because when he woke up the light outside was fading and, looking at his watch he was shocked to see that it was after six o clock already. He knew that he was tired but hadn't realised _how_ tired! Checking his phone for messages, he saw that Jane had phoned a couple of times asking when he was coming back. Syed smiled to himself and sent her a text message to say that he was on his way. He rummaged through Christian's clothes trying to find something which would fit him – black T-shirt - tight fitting on Christian but looser on him - and his own jeans which would do another day or so. Soon he was ready to leave and he took one last look at his phone – should he phone Sam? For a moment he wrestled with his conscience and decided that he really ought to – he mustn't forget that Sam was the innocent party here and he owed to him after all this time to treat him with respect.

Sam answered immediately, as though he'd been waiting for Syed to call. They exchanged a few pleasantries almost as though they were strangers, talking about nothing in particular then Sam asked the question that he was desperate to know the answer to:

'Are you staying with Christian then? Not coming back?'

Syed mumbled something unintelligible back, not daring to really voice the fact that, yes, he was staying.

'I take it that's a yes then,' said Sam with a slightly bitter edge to his voice. He'd been hoping that, once Syed had had time with Christian, he would have come back but now he realised that that wasn't going to happen.

'Where are you staying?' he asked.

'I'm at Christian's flat at the moment, but I stayed at the hospital last night. I'm going back there now.'

These were words that Sam had been dreading hearing. At Christian's flat. That was it then. They were back together and there was nothing left for him now.

'I'll miss you,' he said quietly. 'I've always loved you and I'll be here if you ever need me.' Tears were running freely down his cheeks.

Syed could sense how upset Sam was and said gently, 'I still love you…it's just that…'

'You love him more…' finished Sam.

Syed couldn't deny it and said, 'I'd better go. I'll come and get my stuff soon.'

By now, Sam was crying helplessly and Syed felt terrible turning off his phone but he'd made his decision and he couldn't go back on it now. Sam would be ok, he thought. Everyone loved him and he had lots of friends who would support him. He, Syed, could never quite believe that someone like Sam could have loved him.

Having made the call, he left the flat and returned to the hospital where Jane was waiting for him outside Christian's room.

'I thought you weren't coming,' she said. 'Are you ok to stay with him again tonight? I know he's hoping that you will!'

'Yep. I've showered and had a sleep so I'm ready for anything,' he grinned. 'See you in the morning.'

When Syed entered the room the first thing he noticed was Christian sitting propped against his pillows rather than lying down as he had been for the past couple of days. His oxygen mask had gone too. He went over to him and sat on the bed.

'Aren't you going to kiss me better?' said Christian with a grin.

They kissed and hugged and Syed sat on the chair again looking intently at Christian.

'You look better,' he remarked.

'I am, must be all down to Doctor Syed.'

Syed asked what the doctor had said when he'd been round earlier in the day. Christian had more colour in his face but that didn't necessarily mean that he was on the mend. Christian's cheerful expression changed as he told Syed that the news wasn't good. The antibiotics were tackling the infection but there was irreparable damage to his heart. One of his valves was damaged and would need replacing at some point, but the actual heart muscle had been weakened by the infection. Syed asked what this meant and Christian said his heart would never be strong enough to live an active life and he would have to take life very easily from now on. There was also the possibility that it would fail completely and he could die.

Syed realised that he was staring at Christian.

'Say something then,' said Christian. 'Staring's rude.'

'I don't know_ what_ to say,' Syed mumbled. He was shocked. He knew that Christian had been ill but coming in just now and seeing him look so well had lulled him into a false sense of security – he thought Christian was improving. He'd had no idea that this was permanent and Christian would be effectively disabled.

'Look,' said Christian,' don't go all quiet on me, Sy. I need you to help me – you're the one who's got me sitting up. I would have just given up without you. You've got to be strong for me now. Can you do it?'

Faced with a comment like that, Syed knew that he had to shape up and reached out to hold Christian's hand.

'I'm just…errr….shocked, that's all. I though you were improving. I knew about the valve, Lucy told me, but didn't know that your heart was permanently damaged. I thought you'd be back to normal soon.'

'Nope – this is me now. My life has to change now. No more more fitness training. Just got to take it easy. Not sure how I'll manage but if you're with me then I might just cope.'

Syed smiled and gripped his hand tighter. 'I won't leave you,' he said reassuringly. 'Doctor Sy will take care of you now. We'll get through this somehow.'

Christian smiled again. He couldn't believe that Syed was here with him and had agreed to stay with him to take care of him. What he _didn't_ tell Syed was that the prognosis was bad and that the doctors had given him a slim chance of surviving. He didn't want to burden him with that at the moment.

'Come here,' he said patting the bed. And Syed climbed on the bed next to him and wrapped his arms round him.

'I'm here for good now,' he said. 'You won't get rid of me now.'

Christian snuggled into Syed's arms. 'Now, tell me what you've been doing in the past few years. I want to know _everything_.'

So Syed started to tell Christian all about his life with Sam….


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

As Syed finished speaking, Christian hugged him even more tightly and said, 'So you've given all that up for me! A lovely boyfriend, house…'

For a moment, Syed didn't respond, images of what he _had_ given up were flashing through his mind. He shook his head as if to banish the pictures from his mind once and for all.

'Um, yes. I've told Sam it's over. No going back now I'm afraid – I've burnt all my bridges with him. I hope you _do_ want me to stay with you!' and he gave Christian a quizzical look.

'What do you _think_ I want,' Christian teased. 'Now let me think…Sy with me or going back to his _EX_-boyfriend. Hard choice that. I'll need to think about it for…at least….a second!'

Syed looked at him smiling. 'You'd _better_ let me stay or I'll pack my bags, sorry bag, and go now!'

They laughed and cuddled again both realising that there was no question about it - Syed would be staying with Christian. Christian needed him and he needed Christian. He would be there for him and would nurse him back to health.

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And so the next few days passed. Christian remained in hospital and Syed and Jane took it in turns to be with him – Jane during the day while Syed returned to Christian's flat – and Syed at night while Jane went home to Ian and the family. Syed was worried about his job – he extended his 'granny's' sickness leave a couple of times but it was becoming clear that his boss was getting impatient about him not returning to work. Syed knew that Christian would need him with him all the time when he returned home, but was also aware that he couldn't afford to give up his job. So a compromise was reached, he would work from home (Christian's flat) three days a week and go into the office on the other two days. His boss agreed that he could start the new routine the following Monday which gave him the weekend to get organised.

The doctors continued to monitor Christian's progress. He had stopped taking the antibiotics as the infection had cleared up but the residual damage remained. Only Christian knew the full seriousness of his condition – Jane and Syed knew that one of his valves was damaged and that his heart had been weakened to the extent that he would be unable to do many of the things he had done before – but neither knew that he could suffer a heart attack at any time. He wanted to spare them the worry, and wanted to be able to make the most of whatever time he had left, with Syed.

The Friday before Syed was due to return to work, he was greeted by a very upbeat Christian when he returned to the hospital for the night.

'What are _you_ so happy for?'

'I can go home tomorrow! I'd dance around the room if I had the energy!'

Syed jumped on the bed and they held each other tightly. 'That is amazing. Good job I've cleaned the place ready for you and changed the bed!' he said. He couldn't believe that this was actually happening. Christian was coming home and _he_ would be looking after him. 'Does Jane know?'

'No, I wanted _you_ to be the first to know, after all, you'll be my nursemaid won't you? Waiting on me hand and foot, attending to my _every_ need - night and day…._I can't wait_!'

'_Every_ need – now what do you mean by that?' teased Syed. 'If you mean what I think you do then the doctor has said that you are _far_ too ill! Bed rest for you, on your own, and no sex for you!'

'Well you're no fun.' replied Christian. 'We'll see if you can resist once we're home!'

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The following morning, when Jane arrived, she found Christian dressed and Syed packing his belongings into his bag. At first, she admonished Christian for not telling her but she soon forgot her annoyance when she saw how happy the pair of them were, happy to get out of the hospital and back to the home comforts of Christian's flat.

'I take it, he' - Jane nodded towards Christian, - 'has persuaded you to be his slave? I do hope so as that's a job I can do without!'

'Yep, slave, that's me. He's already given me my orders for the day although I'm not sure that I can carry some of them out! Might be way too dangerous for an invalid!' Syed laughed.

'Too much information,' grinned Jane, realising immediately what Syed was referring to. 'I think Christian needs to rest once he's home!'

'My feelings precisely,' said Syed, 'but I'm not sure that your brother would agree with me!'

'My brother,' retorted Jane, 'is extremely lucky to have you, aren't you Christian.'

'Of course I am lucky to HAVE him, aren't I Sy? Well that's what I'm hoping for anyhow if he'll allow it!'

'You'll do as you're told. Remember I'm in charge now,' said Syed in a mock serious voice.

'Ok, ok. I'll behave. Now come on, let's get out of here. Your first job, Sy, is to push me in my wheelchair – are you man enough for that? Muscles were never your strongest point!'

'Oi – enough of your cheek! Sit down and shut up! I'll show you who's strong…!'

Christian sat in the wheelchair and looked up at Syed, his demeanour changed from the joking of a minute before. 'I'll never get used to this. Being the weak one. I was always stronger than you wasn't I? Now I can barely walk across the room. It's going to take some getting used to.'

Syed bent forward and kissed Christian's lips.

'You'll be strong again. Just let me take care of you. I'll do everything I can to make you well again. Let me help you.'

And with that, Christian, Syed and Jane left the room that had been Christian's home for too many days now. They went down in the lift and into reception where Ian was waiting for them with the car. Within minutes, they were back in the Square and outside Christian's door. Ian lifted the wheelchair out of the car and took it up to the flat while Syed and Jane supported Christian while he slowly walked up the stairs, getting progressively more breathless as he climbed up. He collapsed onto the sofa gasping for breath after his exertions. Syed looked concerned but left him for a moment to see Ian and Jane out.

'Look after him for me. I'm still worried about him. Call me if you need anything – please,' Jane's eyes were brimming with tears. 'I'm so glad you're here with him, Syed. He loves you so much – no-one else would be good enough for him. He never got over you, even though he made out that he did. You've made him so happy coming back like this. I'm sorry that I made everything so difficult for you. I was wrong – I thought you'd hurt him again but I can see how much you love him. I can't stand in your way.'

'Forget it,' smiled Syed. 'It's in the past now. Christian is all that matters. You know I'll care for him and, yes, I _will_ call you if he needs you.'

Jane and Ian left the flat and Syed turned back to Christian who had recovered a little.

'Come and sit down,' he said patting the sofa.

Syed flopped down next to him and Christian wrapped his arms round him and drew him in close so their cheeks were touching.

'I love you Syed Massood,' he said.

'And I love you Christian Clarke,' Syed replied.

They hugged tightly as if trying to reassure each other that things would be all right, although both knew that life would never be the same again. For now, just being together was enough, and each day from now on would be a bonus.

To be continued!


	12. Chapter 12

_I'm sorry that this Chapter is sad. Have a box of tissues ready when you read it. Dedicated to all my friends on the __**WFCTGIO**__ thread. I love you all and hope you will forgive me toying with your emotions in this story!_

_Please read, enjoy if you can and review. I love reading reviews!_

Chapter 12

The next day, Syed was up early to make Christian breakfast in bed. The night before, Christian had been so exhausted after leaving hospital that they'd gone to bed early and snuggled up together chatting about the last few days until Syed had realised that Christian was asleep. Syed put his arms around him tightly and they lay together like this most of the night, Syed laying awake listening to Christian's breathing, checking that he was all right. As always, in the night, worries were magnified and Syed played the past days' events and possible future scenarios in his head until he could stand it no longer and carefully got out of bed. He flicked back the curtain and saw that it was still dark outside – only 4 a.m. - how this night was dragging! Syed sat on the sofa, hugging a cushion and looking across to the bed where Christian still slept soundly, oblivious to his restlessness

Eventually, the sky lightened outside and Syed realised that he must have dozed off on the sofa as his watch was now telling him that it was 7 a.m., a perfectly respectable time to properly get up. He went across to the bed and gently kissed Christian's forehead. Christian gingerly opened one eye, saw Syed leaning over him and smiled.

'I thought I must be dreaming seeing you here,' he said. 'When I felt you kiss me I was sure I must be asleep.' He grinned. 'Why are you standing there – get into bed – _now_!'

'Yes Sir!' returned Syed giving him a mock salute, 'but no funny business!'

'Don't know what you mean'' said Christian feigning innocence.

Syed pulled back the duvet and clambered in next to Christian. He wriggled across the bed and Christian put his arm around Syed so that his head was resting on Christian's shoulder.

For a moment, neither said anything then Christian said tentatively, 'You do know how much I love you Sy don't you? I have dreamt of you being back in my bed again for, I suppose, years. I never imagined it would ever happen and now…you are here. I just wish that I was feeling better because I want to make love to you!' and he rolled towards Syed so that he was looking down on him face to face.

'Stop it, Christian! You know we mustn't…well not just yet. Please. I want to make love to you too but the doctor said that you had to be careful. Let's give it a day or too.'

'Look what you've done to me,' grinned Christian lifting up the duvet. 'You can see how much I want you.'

'Mmmm,' replied Syed. 'you haven't changed then. Always were ready for it any time, any place anywhere! But not here and not today. Sorry. I want you to get better and then we can make love all day and night. Promise.'

'You're no fun,' pouted Christian, but he reluctantly had to agree that Syed was right - he had only been home since yesterday after all and was still very fragile.

'Breakfast in bed for you to make up for it,' offered Syed and reluctantly prised himself out of Christian's arms and into the kitchen.

'You're going to have to be my Superman _and_ a Domestic Goddess all rolled into one. Considering what a rubbish cook you are I should be losing weight rapidly! Probably starve to death at your hands – the only man who can cover every worktop with pots and pans just to boil an egg!'

'You'll be wearing this breakfast if you don't stop,' laughed Syed. 'You'll eat what you're given and be grateful!'

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And so their days followed a very happy routine. Every morning, Syed would make Christian breakfast and then help him shower and get dressed so that he could sit on the sofa reading or watching tv, trying to recoup some of his strength. Syed returned to work on the Monday after Christian had come home while Jane popped in and out of the flat keeping an eye on her brother. She was worried about him – his face still had a grey pallor, not his usual colour at all, but he reassured her that it was because he was inside the flat more. Syed's boss was true to his word and allowed him to work at home sometimes so that he could be on hand if Christian needed him. Some afternoons, Christian slowly walked down the stairs from the flat and Syed pushed him around the Square in his wheelchair so that he could get some air. They were happy. Every evening they sat on the sofa together watching soppy DVDs and eating meals lovingly prepared by Syed. Even Christian had to admit that his cooking was improving!

Syed was becoming increasingly worried about Christian's lack of improvement. He knew that his heart was damaged but he secretly hoped that it would improve once Christian was home and he was looking after him. He didn't voice his worries to Christian, but his concern grew daily. If anything, Christian seemed worse. He was continually out of breath and the only time he was comfortable was when he was sitting down or in bed.

Christian was also becoming concerned. He was attending the hospital every few days for a check up but wouldn't allow Syed to come in when he saw the doctor. He always had an excuse to keep him out of the room – he didn't want Syed to hear the true extent of his illness. How could he tell him that they might not have long together? Syed had given up everything for him. How could he tell him that there was no future for them? He knew that Jane and Syed were anxious but he allayed their fears each time they asked – realising that his excuses were becoming less convincing each day. Eventually, on one of the days Jane was caring for Christian while Syed was at work, Jane forced the truth out of him. She had seen how breathless he was moving around the flat and decided to tackle him.

'Christian…how bad is it really? I'm your sister. I know that you aren't improving. Please tell me what's happening. I'm a big girl – I can take it.'

Christian looked at his sister. Her face was lined with concern and he knew that he had to tell her to prepare her for the worst.

So, haltingly, he started to tell Jane what the doctor had said.

'My heart is badly damaged. A valve needs replacing but they can't do that because I might die on the operating table. They can't risk giving me an anaesthetic. Basically, I won't ever improve and the doctors said that my heart can stop at any time, particularly if I over exert myself – and that means even walking up a flight of stairs now.'

'Oh Christian,' said Jane, tears flowing down her cheeks. 'This can't be true. Perhaps they've got it wrong.' Her eyes pleaded with Christian to deny what he'd just said, to say he was joking. Seeing her reaction, Christian knew that he must tell her the truth now he'd started.

'They've said that I might not even have a month to live. My heart is deteriorating so quickly.' Christian was crying too now. 'I've only just got him back Jane. I can't bear to lose him now. I've waited years to find him again, and now he's here…'

She realised that he meant Syed. She was shocked at her brother's tears – his shoulders were shaking as he sobbed. She reached out to him and put her arms around his still-strong body.

'I love him so much. I've dreamt of us getting back together and now we have and it's all too late.' He was sobbing loudly now and hugging Jane tightly. 'He doesn't know how bad I am. And he mustn't know either.'

'Well you must tell him. He needs to know.'

'No. I want us to be happy. I don't want…this…this…hanging over us. He deserves some happiness after what he's done for me. I want to pretend that life is normal – that we are proper normal couple with a future. Not that he's going to be left on his own after giving up his old life for me.'

The brother and sister held each other tightly while they both wept, the seriousness of the situation acknowledged by them both.

Jane tried again to persuade Christian to tell Syed but gave up when he started getting agitated. 'He's my boyfriend – I'll tell him when I'm ready!'

'Ok, ok,' soothed Jane. 'It's up to you but I think you are being unfair to him. Wouldn't you want to know if he was seriously ill?'

'Yes. But I am stronger than he is!'

For the first time since they'd started talking, Jane smiled. 'Still my over- confident, arrogant brother then? I think you'll find that Syed is a lot stronger than you think. Perhaps you should give him a chance and not patronise him.'

They heard the sound of jangling keys outside the door. Syed unlocked it and walked in. He quickly took in the scene in front of him – his sister who had clearly been crying and his handsome boyfriend whose face was also tear -stained and who looked distraught.

'What's going on?' he asked looking from one to the other. 'Have I missed something?' His stomach was churning – something was wrong! Had Christian had some bad news?

'We've been watching a really sad DVD!' said Christian trying to smile, and he threw an empty DVD case across to Syed. 'Beaches! We've been crying like girls here!'

'Cheek!' laughed Jane. 'You're the girl around here, not me! He has been crying at the bit where Bette Midler takes her friend's daughter after she….dies…' her voice tailed off.

'Oh that's ok then', smiled Syed. 'Only a film. I thought something had happened?' He tried to look cheerful but his fears were confirmed. There _was_ something they weren't telling him about Christian. Those tears weren't down to the film. It _was_ a sad film and mirrored their situation in some ways, but he and Christian had watched it a couple of days ago and it hadn't had that effect on him then. He almost felt angry. Had Christian been confiding in Jane and not in him?

'Right – I'll get the dinner on,' he said pseudo-cheerfully and went into the kitchen tunelessly whistling '_Wind Beneath My Wings'_ the theme song from the film.

'I'll go,' said Jane kissing Christian on the cheek. 'Remember what I said,' she whispered. 'You _must_ tell him.'

'Tell me what?' asked Syed.


	13. Chapter 13

_Sorry for the delay in uploading this Chapter but I hope you like it now I have.__ I think you will be able to see the direction this story is taking now – sorry!_

There was a momentary silence.

'Don't even think about lying,' he said imagining a myriad of thoughts crossing through both their minds as they struggled to think of a plausible explanation for their tears.

'Come and sit here,' said Christian patting the sofa next to him. 'I have something to tell you.'

'Shall I go,' asked Jane. 'You need to be alone to talk about this.'

'Not taking his eyes of his lover's face,' Christian nodded and Jane quietly slipped out of the flat leaving the two of them together to face, for the first time, the real truth about Christian's illness.

As Syed sat down, Christian gripped his hand as though he were going to break it.

'Just listen…I have to tell you the truth…I didn't want to but I know you need to hear it.'

Syed looked concerned – he hadn't expected this when he came back. He'd almost bought the sad DVD scenario but this sudden need for Christian to unburden himself was worrying.

'I am very ill, Sy, as you know. What you don't know is that the doctors have told me that I haven't long to live. There's nothing that they can do for me. I need an operation, but my heart is shot to pieces and won't stand up to the anaesthetic. It's just a matter of time – they said maybe only a month.' He looked at the beautiful face of the man he wanted to spend those last days with and saw a look of terror etched in his features and his big, brown eyes brimming over with tears.

'Please say something, Sy,' pleaded Christian. He could see what a shock this news had been. Syed had known that he was very ill but not that his life was being measured out in weeks if not in days.

'Is there any hope?' came Syed's voice in little more than a whisper. 'They might have got it wrong.'

'They haven't. I've been seeing the cardiologist and he says my heart is getting weaker all the time and even now anything slightly strenuous might kill me. I'm sorry Sy.'

Syed said nothing but wrapped his arms around Christian and hugged him so tightly that Christian had to say,

'Easy tiger – you're strangling me!'

For a few minutes they sat like this both lost in their own thoughts – Syed trying to imagine life without his Superman and Christian imaging what Syed would do once he'd gone. They had been apart for so long and now, having found each other again, to be wrenched apart like this was beyond cruel.

'What will you do when I'm gone? Will you go back to Sam d'you think?' asked Christian, not because he wanted to know but he wanted Syed to talk to him. To say something even if it was he what he didn't want to hear. But Syed had the look of someone deeply in shock, staring ahead of him, eyes fixed on the wall.

'_Please_ talk to me Sy. I need to know that you understand and are all right. I need you so much right now. I've always been the strong one but that needs to be you now. I can't do this alone. You will stay with me won't you?' his voice had a desperate edge to it – unlike anything Syed had ever heard before – and which, quite frankly, scared him to death.

Slowly Syed turned his head so that he was looking right into Christian's eyes and now it was his turn to be frightened by what he saw there. He saw the once strong, brave Christian Clarke reduced to a frightened desperate shadow of himself, scared by what he had to face ahead of him and desperate to have the man he loved by his side whatever the future held and for however long he had left.

With a massive effort, Syed smiled weakly and reassured Christian that he would be there for him for the rest of the time they had together. Christian reciprocated the smile.

'You don't know how much better that makes me feel Sy. We have wasted enough time in the past few years. We must make the most of all the time we have left – I can't bear to be apart from you for a second from now on.'

'I'll quit work so that I can look after you,' said Syed. 'I'm not going away from here for a day if there's a….chance….that…' His voice tailed off. He couldn't finish what he'd been going to say – that Christian might die while he was out.

'Right, where was I before all this happened? I know – getting dinner ready,' said Syed and went into the kitchen leaving Christian lying on the sofa listening to all the clattering coming from the kitchen and imagining the mess which would be strewn across the worktops while Syed cooked.

He felt strangely at peace now Syed knew his secret – at least he would be prepared for what was to come, in a very short while. He thought back to the question he'd asked Syed about whether he would go back to Sam once he had gone. Syed hadn't answered – did that mean he would consider it or was he unable to even think that far ahead. Christian knew that Syed would never say anything to upset him but he hoped that Syed would give Sam another chance so that he wouldn't have to be on his own. He couldn't bear the notion that Syed would be left alone…..he needed someone, someone who could look after him. Perhaps Sam would forgive him and have him back.

A little idea was forming in his head. Perhaps he could speak to Sam and let him know what was happening – give him a warning about how Syed was going to need him sooner rather than later. It was one unselfish act he could do for his darling Sy. Now where was his phone?

Right on cue, Syed called out, 'We've run out of rice. I need to pop out to the Minute Mart. Are you ok here for a moment? I won't be long. I hope nobody sees me looking like this with red eyes. I'll have to use the DVD story again.'

As the door slammed behind him, Christian carefully levered himself off the sofa and went across the table where Syed had thrown his briefcase when he'd come in from work. Christian hoped that his phone was in there – it often was when he'd been at work. He prayed that today was one of those times. He rummaged through the pockets inside and smiled when he found it. Quickly, he jotted down Sam's number and replaced the phone inside the case. He'd have to be quick – Sy would be back any moment.

He dialled Sam's number and was pleased when a male voice answered.

'Sam?' he enquired.

'No – this is Jamie. Who is it?'

'Christian Clarke. I really need to speak to Sam!' Christian's mind was spinning round. Who on earth was Jamie? Sam's new boyfriend? He hoped not.

'Yes?' It was Sam.

'Sam. Christian Clarke here.'

'Yes. I don't really have much to say to you, unsurprisingly, 'retorted Sam.

'I'm sure you don't but please just give me a minute to tell you something…..something about Syed.'

And, as quickly and succinctly as he could, he explained the situation to Sam, telling him that Syed would be on his own soon and there was nothing he wanted more than to know that Sam would take care of him.

'He loved you, he really did. Still does I expect. I just want to know that you'll look out for him when I'm not around any more,'

There was no answer from Sam. Then he said,

'Sorry Christian. Very sorry to hear about your situation but it's too late for Syed and me. I have a new boyfriend now, Jamie – you spoke to him when you rang. I can't do anything for Syed now.'

And with a click, he rang off just as Christian heard, for the second time that day, Syed's keys jangling in the lock. He lay down on the sofa and shut his eyes, feigning sleep.

'Rice bought…dinner ready very soon,' said Syed as he returned to the kitchen. 'I hope you're hungry!'

Christian lay with his eyes closed going over the conversation with Sam. No hope for Syed there then. He would have to be strong and start a new life on his own. He, Christian, had really wanted to know there was someone looking out for him…

A few minutes later, Syed brought his lovingly prepared dinner to Christian to find him asleep! He placed the tray on the table and snuggled up next to him on the sofa.

'I love you, Christian,' he murmured. 'I'll always be with you, you can count on me for ever, however long that may be.'


	14. Chapter 14

_Sorry for the delay in posting this Chapter – real life has been very busy recently. I am not too happy with this __Chapter but decided to post it, anyway!_

_This Chapter is dedicated to all my lovely friends on the WFCTGIO thread. We've had a terrible 48 hours worrying about Chryed's future and this Chapter isn't going to help, but the support we all give each other is second to none. Goodnight and I love you all! xx_

Chapter 14

'_Sorry Christian. Very sorry to hear about your situation but it's too late for Syed and me. I have a new boyfriend now, Jamie – you spoke to him when you rang. I can't do anything for Syed now.'_

And with that, Sam turned his phone off and met the piercing eyes of Jamie, his new boyfriend, who was looking at him, puzzled.

'What was that all about?' he asked.

'That was the guy Syed went back to, Christian. He's got some illness which means he'll probably die soon. He wants me to have Syed back, to look after him, when he's on his own! He doesn't think he'll cope, apparently.

'What? Bloody cheek. How can he ask you that when it was thanks to him that Syed left you? Just forget it. Let them get on with it.'

'Mmmm, yes. That's what I told him. Obviously, I'm sorry he's ill, but to ask me to look after Syed….' his voice trailed off.

Sam picked up a magazine that was lying on the table in front of him but quickly put it down, unable to concentrate. He was trying to picture how Syed must be feeling now, now that he'd had this bad news about Christian. Sam had known that Christian was very ill, but he'd had no idea _how_ ill and now it looked as though Syed would be left alone, and fairly soon at that.

Although Syed had dumped him for Christian, Sam knew that he would have done the same in his situation and, devastated though he had been, his love for Syed and respect for his caring nature, meant that he'd reluctantly forgiven him. He'd met Jamie a couple of weeks after Syed had left and, although they were in a relationship of sorts, it didn't compare to the depth of feeling he'd had before, for Syed.

Without really thinking he pulled out his phone and within seconds had sent Syed a text:

_Christian has spoken to me. I'm here if you need me, Sx_

'What are you doing?' Jamie's voice came from behind him. 'Who were you texting?'

Sam decided to be truthful. He liked Jamie but not enough to be lie to him to protect their relationship.

'Syed.'

'Give me your phone!' Jamie wrenched the phone from Sam's hand and flicked to _Sent messages_.

'Oh. So you are here when he needs you are you? Great! Where does that leave me when your _precious_ Syed walks through that door all tear-stained and gorgeous when the man he left you for dies? I guess my stuff will be slung out on the street, along with me, while daaarling Syed gets to stay here.' Jamie's words came tumbling out angrily. He couldn't believe that Sam had contacted Syed, after all that had happened.

Sam looked at Jamie and didn't have the energy to argue back. He knew that he would have Syed back in a heartbeat, if he needed him, despite everything. Jamie was just passing through his life, briefly. He almost didn't care that he was angry – all his thoughts were centred on Syed.

'Do what you want,' sighed Sam wearily. 'I don't know what's going to happen and I don't know what I want to happen. You do whatever you want.' And he picked up the magazine again and stared at it, unseeing.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

As Syed lay snuggled up to Christian on the sofa with the dinner getting colder by the second, his phone bleeped as a text came through. He glanced at it:

_Christian has spoken to me. I'm here if you need me, Sx_

He had to read it twice to check he wasn't imagining it. A text from Sam saying Christian had spoken to him! What had he said to him and why was he meddling in his life? Christian stirred and smiled as he always did when he was lying in Syed's arms. Even when asleep he seemed to know that he was being protected, and loved, by Syed.

'Christian! Wake up! What the hell have you been saying to Sam?'

Christian opened one eye a little and sleepily stared at him. What was Syed talking about? How did he know that he'd spoken to Sam?

'Don't know what you're talking about,' he grinned, and promptly closed his eye again.

'Well try to think. You've obviously been in touch with Sam. He's texted me and said he's there if I need him.'

'Good! I hoped he would be.' Christian snuggled down onto Syed's chest.

'_WAKE UP!_ I want to know what you said and why you thought you had the right to contact him. ' Syed almost shouted at Christian.

Christian was wide awake now and looking at the angry face of his darling Sy. He tried to hug him but Syed pushed him away and stood up. 'Well…what have you done?'

Christian reached out to him, asking him to sit by him again, but Syed ignored his entreaties.

'I got his number from your phone and rang him earlier. I asked him to look after you when I…when I…..'

He didn't finish what he'd been going to say because Syed shouted, _'You rang him to ask him to look after me! Who said I need looking after? Who gave you the right to look at my phone?_' He stood in front of Christian, fists clenched, brown eyes flashing and pain written across his face.

Christian had never seen Syed so angry. He was pacing up and down the flat now. How _dare_ Christian interfere like this? He felt bad enough that he'd hurt Sam and now Christian was asking him to have him back, effectively. He couldn't bring himself to think of the future without Christian and here he was, organising his life for him.

'This is what I think of your interference…,' he said digging his phone from out of his jeans pocket and he rang Sam's number while Christian watched, aghast.

'Hi, it's me. I got your text. Just to let you know that I will never need looking after by anyone, let alone by you!' he barked into the phone. 'Leave me alone will you?' and he switched his phone off and threw it at Christian.

'Now will you believe me? Stop interfering in my life!' and he grabbed his jacket and left the flat slamming the door behind him.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Sam heard the phone click as Syed turned it off after delivering the tirade telling him to leave him alone.

'Now what?' asked Jamie.

'I've just been told, by Syed, that he will never need any help from me. I've never heard him like that before. He is really struggling to cope.'

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

With Syed gone, Christian lay on the sofa staring at the ceiling, regretting bitterly ever ringing Sam. He hadn't thought through the consequences of his call – never thought for a moment that Sam would contact Syed. Thinking about it, Christian realised that of course that would have been an obvious thing for Sam to have done. He would be missing Syed and Christian's call would have raised his hopes, hopes that their relationship could be rekindled.

Christian rolled onto his side, groaned and closed his eyes trying to imagine how Syed's life would continue without him around. Syed was full of bravado at the moment but was struggling to cope with the thought that Christian might not be with him for much longer. Christian grabbed one of the cushions on the sofa and hugged it aggressively, wishing it was Syed. Where was he? He'd been gone for a while now. Christian took out his mobile and rang Syed's number before realising that he'd thrown the phone at him before he'd stormed out. He couldn't even go to look for him – even the smallest amount of effort involved in walking round the flat left him breathless. He had to wait – wait until Syed had cooled down and come back of his own volition.

Christian flicked on the TV and, after an hour, realised he'd stared at the screen with no idea about what he'd been watching. Still no sign of Syed – now he was getting worried! He imagined that Syed would stomp out in a huff and be back in a few minutes - but he'd been gone well over two hours.

Christian felt helpless once more. He couldn't phone or text him and he couldn't go out searching. His mind started to run wild – what if he'd decided to go to see Sam? Not for the first time that day he bitterly regretted making the call.

'Jane, it's me – you haven't come across Syed around the Square, have you?' Christian briefly explained what had happened.

'Do you want me to come over?' enquired Jane, worried about her brother. He could do without this amount of stress at the moment, and the tone of his voice indicated to her that that was what he was feeling with Syed gone missing.

'Yes – that would be great. I'm so worried about Sy – he's been gone for a long time now and I've no way of reaching him.' There was a definite wobble in his voice!

Within minutes, Jane was letting herself into the flat where she found a very pale, worried-looking Christian sitting hunched on the sofa. She sat down next to him and put her arms around him. He rested his head on her shoulder and she could tell that he wasn't far from tears.

'Tell me again what's happened,' she asked gently, and then listened while Christian told her about the call to Sam, and Syed's reaction.

'I'm worried that he may have gone to see him,' said Christian. 'I can't think of any other explanation.'

Jane thought for a moment. 'Give me your phone,' she demanded. 'What's Sam's number?'

Christian looked horror-struck. 'Don't phone him – please!' and he made a grab for the phone. But Jane was too quick and was soon dialling the number she'd found in the memory. Sam answered. Jane briefly explained that Syed was missing and asked whether Sam had seen him.

There was a pause, then Sam said, 'Yes I have. He's here with me now.'

_To be continued…._


	15. Chapter 15

_Two Chapters in two days! I didn't want my fellow Chryedians to suffer too long thinking that Syed had left Christian. _

Chapter 15

'_Now will you believe me? Stop interfering in my life!' and he grabbed his jacket and left the flat slamming the door behind him. _

Even Syed surprised himself with the force with which he banged the door shut behind him. He ran down the short flight of stairs from the flat, and was soon outside in the fresh air. Briefly, he glanced up at the window of the flat, not really knowing what he expected to see, but perhaps hoping to see Christian watching him. Now he was outside he wasn't sure what to do next. He was still boiling over with anger at Christian's call to Sam but, deep inside, he knew that this alone was not enough to have triggered his violent reaction. He walked through the Square, eyes downcast, mind working overtime. He knew that he should go back – he had visions of Christian in the flat, shocked by his outburst but however hard he willed them to turn around, his feet kept walking ahead.

'Serves him right for meddling. Let him worry for a while.' he grouched.

On he trudged, head bent, shoulders carrying all the worries in the world and before long he arrived outside the tube station. Without hesitating, he bought a ticket and when a train arrived, he climbed aboard heading into London.

As he sat in the almost deserted carriage, he replayed the argument over again. He was still shocked that he'd behaved like that towards Christian, the man he loved more than anyone else in the world, the man who might not be with him for much longer. A momentary wave of panic engulfed him. What if the stress of all this was too much for Christian? What if, at this very moment, Christian needed him and here he was heading away from him on a train? Automatically he reached into his pocked for his phone, although he wouldn't be able to use it until he got off the train, and realised that he'd left it at the flat when he'd thrown it at Christian. So now, not only was he heading away from Christian but he couldn't even contact him, nor could Christian contact him.

As the train arrived at each station he made no effort to get off and go home. He felt as though he was glued to the seat. His mind continued to wander, thinking not only about the row but the wider picture, of Christian's illness, of his future, of Sam and he suddenly realised that the reason he was making no effort to go back to Christian was that he was subconsciously, now consciously, going to see Sam. He needed to see him. He'd been rude to him too and wanted to see him again. The realisation that he was choosing seeing Sam over returning to Christian made him feel sick but there was nothing he could do now – his life was running away without him.

Eventually, Syed reached Hammersmith where the little house that he and Sam had shared was situated. His feet retraced the path they'd taken so many times before when he'd returned home from work every day. He remembered running home the day that this had all started, when he'd met Alex on the tube, telling him that Christian was ill. Now he started wondering whether Sam would be in. He hadn't been able to phone him to warn him he was coming. What would he do if he was out? He walked faster, heart pounding with nerves in his ribcage and out of breath. Reaching the road outside the house he stopped for a moment – so many memories flooded his mind. Now he must approach the door to see if Sam was in. Knocking on the door, he almost turned and ran the other way, What was he doing here?

Just as he was about to leave, the door opened and there was Sam standing on the doorstep a look of shocked surprise on his face.

'What the….?'

'Can I come in?' whispered Syed. Now he was here he felt silly, felt self conscious and wondered if he'd made a huge mistake.

Sam hesitated for a second then invited him in. Syed stepped into the hall way and followed Sam through into the kitchen where he filled the kettle to make a drink. Syed looked around the kitchen while the kettle boiled. He noticed the place was untidier than usual and there were items lying around that he was sure weren't Sam's. For the first time the thought crossed his mind that Sam might not be living here alone, but he was too preoccupied to care.

'Well? Spill the beans. What are you doing here? The last thing you said to me was to tell me that you didn't want anything more to do with me and now you're in my kitchen. Why?'

Slowly, haltingly, Syed started to tell Sam about the row, about him leaving the flat and how he had been unable to return home. His eyes couldn't meet Sam's – he was embarrassed by his behaviour now he'd articulated it. He sat twisting his hands together and feeling like bursting into tears but he was determined not to do this in front of Sam.

Sam pushed a mug of coffee towards him – and studied Syed carefully. He wanted to go over to him, wrap his arms around him and tell him that everything would be all right, even though he knew it wouldn't. Syed looked even prettier than he remembered him, but he could see a haunted look in his eyes, a look which told Sam that he wasn't happy and was suffering deeply. Sam asked Syed how Christian was. Trying to show concern for him but really being more concerned about Syed.

Syed gave him a brief resume of Christian's health issues, explaining that there really was no hope that he would improve. Sam gently asked him how he was, how he felt about the future, trying to get him to let his emotions out.

Still trying to put on a brave face, Syed told him that he was fine but Sam pointed out that his reaction to Christian trying to help was out of character and he thought it was a result of stress. They continued to talk and Syed relaxed a little and began to tell Sam more, feeling that some of the weight of his worries was being lifted.

As they talked, Sam's phone rang.

'Yes.'

There was a pause, and then Sam said, 'Yes I have. He's here with me now.'

The person on the other end said something else then Sam replied, 'Ok I will. Bye.'

'Who was that?' Syed couldn't resist asking. He hoped it was Christian wondering where he was, but when Sam told him that it was Jane, his stomach heaved.

'What's wrong? Is Christian ok – why did Jane ring?'

She said that Christian is worried sick about you and is in a very bad way. She wants you to go back as soon as possible.

Syed felt as though he was going to throw up. What had he done walking out on Christian when he needed him, coming over to see Sam? He'd just needed a friendly, familiar person to talk to. Christian must be worried if he had got Jane to make the call. He looked at his watch – he'd been gone over three hours now – no wonder Christian was out of his mind with worry.

'Well – are you going then?' asked Sam. He was under no illusion that Syed was here to stay. He'd needed to unburden himself and now he'd started to do that he would soon be returning home.

Syed stood up and walked towards Sam. He hugged him tightly and Sam was unable to resist it and soon they were cuddling each other as if they'd never been apart.

Just in time, Sam pushed Syed away. 'You must go back to Christian,' he said breathlessly. 'He needs you doesn't he and I know that you're not going to let him down. You're strong, stronger than you think, and I know that you'll cope with whatever happens – you need to be there for Christian. You know I still love you but I love you enough to understand what you need to do. Go back to Christian and give him all your time. Don't worry about what happened today – you needed to let all that pressure out and I'm honoured that you chose me to help you. Like I said in my text, I'm here if you need me.'

Sam's eyes glistened – not because Syed was going back to Christian but because he knew how much sadness Syed would have to endure. Sadness which he wished he could take for him but he knew that Syed alone had to deal with it.

'I love him so much. Christian.' breathed Syed. 'I can't imagine life without him.'

'Go back to him then,' laughed Sam. 'Every minute here is one less with Christian!

Syed gave Sam one last hug, kissed him on the cheek and left the little house. For the second time, Sam watched Syed walk away from him down the road, back to Christian.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-XX-X

A few minutes after Syed had left, Sam heard a key in the lock of the front door and he knew that Jamie had returned from the gym where he'd been, luckily, when Syed had arrived. As Jamie walked into the kitchen he noticed two coffee mugs on the worktop…

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-XX-X

Syed reached the Tube station down the road from Sam's house and, noticing a phone box in the station, dialled Christian's number.

'I'm coming home. I love you!' and feeling happier than he had done for a few days, caught a train heading back to his beloved boyfriend.

To be continued…..


	16. Chapter 16

_Well__, here it is I'm afraid, the Chapter that I've known was coming. It has been very difficult and sad to write. I hope that everyone forgives me for the way the story has developed, but it was my intention to take it in this direction all along. There will be one more Chapter to round off the story. Remember that this is fiction and our beloved Chryed are alive and well and living together as boyfriends and life partners._

Chapter 16

Syed and Christian stood in the flat hugging each other closely and crying together. Syed was inconsolable because he'd walked out on Christian, and Christian shed tears of relief that Syed had come home. When Syed had arrived home, and Jane had gone, they had fallen into each others' arms, determined never to let each other go again.

'I'll never leave you again, not even for a minute,' sobbed Syed, as he wrapped himself around Christian, pressing himself against him as closely as he could.

Pushing him to arms' length, Christian stared at the tear-stained face of his darling boyfriend and smiled at him. 'I'll chain you to the sofa if you ever think of doing it again! You're for keeps now!'

Even Syed in his miserable state had to smile at that and they fell back together onto the sofa, arms still locked around each other.

'You know what we'd have done now – in the old days?' Christian grinned wickedly at Syed, his eyes sparkling. He was thinking of the times, all those years ago, when Syed would make some excuse to his parents so that he could spend time at his flat, making love for hours until they were both exhausted but utterly, deliriously happy.

'No, what..?' Syed's wide-eyed fake innocence made Christian laugh.

'You know! First, I would have thrown you onto the bed, then I'd have ripped off your clothes and then ...' and he tried to stand up as if to move over to the bed.

'Whoa! Stop it!' groaned Syed, his imagination running away with him! 'You know I'd like nothing better - but the doctor said _no stress on your heart and that includes…'_

'You're no fun at all!' grumbled Christian, grabbing Syed and covering his face and neck with kisses. 'If I'm going to die, then I want to die happy!' and he started to unbutton Syed's checked shirt, kissing his chest as he did so. 'Just once – please - won't do any harm will it? I've missed making love to you for so long; I can't _not_ do it ever again. I might as well just die now.'

Syed pushed Christian away, sharply. 'Stop it! I mean it! I want to make love to you just as much, but I can't lose you now. Nothing is worth that – is it?'

He could tell by the look on Christian's face that he wanted to continue and he made another grab for Syed who deftly wriggled away and stood up buttoning up his shirt. Syed was flushed and turned on by the thought that Christian was so desperate to have him there and then but he was overwhelmed with worry about the consequences.

Christian rolled over onto his front and buried his face in the pillow. Silently, he was crying again – his wide shoulders were heaving but no sound came from him. Syed stood looking down on his boyfriend, not sure what to say, not sure whether to cuddle him or not. He wanted to throw himself down next to him, kiss him, stroke him and allow Christian to do the one thing that he most wanted to – which was also what he most wanted to do,

Gently, he lay down next to Christian on the bed and whispered tenderly in his ear, 'I'm really sorry Christian. It's not that I don't love you – I do – it's just that I love you so much that I can't do anything which means I might lose you – I just can't do it.'

Christian's shoulders continued to shake and now Syed could hear real sobs coming from the big man. 'I can't even make love to you like a proper normal boyfriend. You're having to go through this because I am so weak and useless. You should be with Sam – he loves you – he could make love to you morning, noon and night couldn't he? I'm just pathetic. Not even a real man any more – what's the point of living? I'm supposed to be looking after you.'

Syed was shocked. 'Is that what you think I want? To be with someone just for sex? I want you just as you are. I love you more than anything – remember our song – remember those words – _you and me 'til the end of time_ – well that's how we'll be. Together for ever.'

Syed levered up Christian's left shoulder and rolled him onto his back, and then he kissed his handsome face, kissed all the tears away and lay on top of him while their arms entwined each other.

'_You and me 'til the end of time_,' he murmured again. '_I love you Christian_ _Clarke_,' and he felt Christian relax under him and soon they were both asleep, fully clothed on the bed.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Three o clock in the morning. Syed woke up suddenly. He'd heard something. For a moment he lay listening then, hearing nothing, closed his eyes again.

'Sy! Wake up! I…feel…terrible! It hurts….'

Syed put the bedside light on and looked at Christian who, white-faced, was clutching his upper arm and shaking. Without saying a word, Syed grabbed his phone and dialled 999. After giving the details, he turned to Christian who was reaching his hand out to him for comfort – 'They're on their way. Please hold on Christian – they'll be here in a couple of minutes.' He held Christian's hand. '_I love you_ – please hold on 'til they get here!' he was pleading now. This was the moment he'd been dreading. Where the hell was the ambulance? He got up to look out of the window, just in time to hear the siren and see the blue flashing lights as the ambulance drove into the Square. 'I'll be back in a minute – just got to show them where we are,' and he ran down the stairs three at a time.

Seeing the look of panic on Syed's face, the paramedics grabbed their kit and followed Syed up the stairs – as they went he gave them a brief, breathless description of Christian's problem so that they were prepared and wouldn't waste any time.

They entered the flat. Syed indicated the bed where Christian was lying. Still. Silent. Not breathing….

'Noooooo!' screamed Syed as the paramedics rushed over to Christian's motionless form. They checked his pulse. They tried to revive him. Syed stood by the bed willing them on. Watching as if from afar, as if from a dream, the attempts to save the life of his beloved Christian.

Then, through the haze which seemed to surround him, came the words he'd been fearing, 'I'm very sorry, Sir. I'm afraid he's gone. 'The paramedic gently closed Christian's eyes and recorded the time of his death.

Syed panicked. He couldn't lose him now. He needed him. He wanted to tell him again how much he loved him. He rushed forward and flung himself on Christian shaking him. 'Wake up – wake up. I know you're only asleep!' Tears were streaming down his cheeks. He looked at the handsome face of the man he loved so much. How could he be '_gone_'? They'd only just found each other again. They had so much they wanted to do – even sitting watching TV every night for the rest of his life would be ok if they were together. He would wait on him hand and foot. He would push him round the Square in his wheel chair. He would wash him and dress him. He would become a true domestic goddess – a house husband. He would learn to cook. He would love him…He would adore him….He would miss him…

_You and me 'til the end of time_…..

Syed's legs buckled and he collapsed on the floor.

To be continued…..

SORRY!


	17. Chapter 17

_This is the final Chapter of my story__ and is dedicated to anyone who is a Chryedian! I have found it enjoyable and upsetting to write, in equal measure. This is the first time I have ever written any fiction and I am shocked at how involved I have become with the story. I hope that you 'enjoy' the last chapter and thank you for reading it all. Thanks to everyone who has taken the trouble to write a review – each one has meant so much to me. _

_It's Christian and Syed together __'til the end of time!_

Chapter 17

Syed pulled up the collar of his coat and shivered. Sitting in the front pew in the crematorium, flanked by Jane on one side and Lucy on the other, he stared straight ahead, not daring to turn his eyes to the right for fear of looking at the big wooden coffin which held his lover's body. He was still in shock. Over a week had passed since Christian had died, but it had not even begun to sink in that Christian had gone - gone for good. The little Chapel was full, but nothing registered with Syed. The place could have been empty for all he knew or cared. The big wooden doors thudded shut and the service began. He heard little of it as he replayed the events of the past week in his mind, trying to make some sense of why he was sitting here today, grieving for his darling Christian.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X

_You and me 'til the end of time_…..

Syed's legs buckled and he collapsed on to the floor. He came round a few seconds later with the friendly paramedic kneeling next to him, talking kindly, asking if he was all right. Just for a second everything was all right – he had fainted - that was all. Nothing wrong with _Christian_ – just him. Then, the awful memory of what had just happened enveloped him, and he groaned aloud. It was true. Christian was dead. The paramedic helped him up and guided him so that he was sitting on the sofa. He asked Syed if there was anyone they could call. The paramedics told him that a doctor would be there shortly to certify Christian's death and then the undertaker would come to take him away. Syed just nodded calmly. Almost _too_ calmly.

'I must ring his sister, Jane. She needs to know. _She'l_l know what to do.'

On autopilot, and keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the duvet-covered shape on the bed, Syed dialled Jane's number. She was asleep but as soon as Syed told her what had happened she started to cry and he could hear Ian's voice in the background asking her what was wrong.

'I'm coming over Syed. Don't….don't let them take him away until I come.'

The paramedics left when the doctor arrived. He looked at Syed small and hunched on the sofa - his terrified face belying his external calmness.

He briefly pulled the duvet down so that Syed had a quick glance at Christian's beautiful face once more, looking as though he were asleep. Syed wanted to rush over to him again, to cuddle him, to cover his face with kisses, but he was too exhausted. The doctor smiled sympathetically at Syed.

'It's always a shock when you lose someone like this. Can I give you something to help?' Syed appreciated his sympathetic manner.

'Uh..no - thanks.'

The doctor said that the undertakers would be along soon, and asked Syed again if he would be all right.

'Yes, my boyfriend's sister will be here in a minute' replied Syed curtly. He wanted the doctor to go so that he could be alone with Christian one last time before Jane arrived.

As soon as the door shut behind the doctor, Syed slipped across to the bed and pulled the duvet down once again. He looked at the strong, handsome face – still looking peacefully asleep. With his thumb, he rubbed Christian's lips in the way that Christian used to do to him, and lightly kissed them. Lips that now felt cold.

Out aloud Syed started to talk to Christian, still rubbing his face gently all the while. He reminded him about the time they had first met at the MQ Unit, the ridiculous hats they wore. Messing around - a prelude to their first kiss. The first time they had made love. Christian telling him that he loved him. Then the night he had said it back to Christian. Christian almost _making _him say it. His face full of hurt when the words didn't come out. But he _had_ said it! How difficult that had been – he hadn't just _loved _ Christian he'd _adored_ him. But saying it…that had been difficult! Then the regrets afterwards and how hurt Christian had been when he'd withdrawn from him once again. New Year's Eve – the day before the wedding – Christian had arrived back unexpectedly from Barcelona to find him in the kitchen at the party on his own. Christian grabbing him and kissing him with such passion – there was no doubt about his feelings – and he had kissed him back. The day of his wedding to Amira – when he'd admitted to his mother that he was gay and she had forced him to go through with the marriage. How, during the ceremony, Christian had arrived late and he'd hoped that Christian would take matters out of his hands and stop the wedding. And when Christian left with the tender kiss on his forehead, his utter desolation at what lay ahead of him. Through the sham marriage to Amira, he and Christian had loved each other although he had fought his feelings and wouldn't admit them to Christian. Even when he and Amira had split, he could never make the full commitment to Christian – his religion and his loyalty to his parents had stopped him. So he had run away – left the Square - and on that day, ten years later, he'd met Alex on the Tube. And all through the years, his love for Christian had remained strong. Buried deeply, but still strong. And when he saw him again…

'And now here we are. I _never_ did tell you exactly how much I loved you did I? I annoyed you. I exasperated you. But I know you always loved me although I couldn't openly be with you and love you back. And now it's too late…'

His thumb was still stroking….

Syed heard a sound behind him and turned to see Jane standing in the doorway. She had noiselessly entered the flat and had heard Syed pouring his heart out to Christian.

She walked over to where Syed was sitting next to Christian on the bed, planted a kiss on Christian's lips and pulled the duvet up to cover his face again.

'Christian _knew_ that you loved him. He understood why you couldn't be together but he never got over you. He had other relationships but I knew that he was still searching for the one which would complete him the way that you did. He was only half a man without you and I saw the change in him when he saw you at the hospital that day. I couldn't keep you apart even though I wanted to. You and Christian are soul mates – you will never truly be apart. Physically, yes, but emotionally never. He loved you and that's all there is to it.'

'Y_ou and me 'til the end of time_,' repeated Syed in a whisper.

'That's a line from a song isn't it?' smiled Jane.

Yes. From our song. I said that to him just before he died.'

'Well there you are, then, I think that says it all. Come here you!' and she hugged Syed who by now had given in to the tears that had been pricking his eyes while he had been talking to Christian.

While they were sitting together, each thinking their own thoughts about Christian and gently rocking each other, the undertakers arrived and within minutes had taken Christian from his flat for the very last time.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

'Are you ok?' whispered Jane squeezing Syed's hand. 'You're doing well!' and she gave him a tiny smile.

Syed nodded and tried to focus on the service. Christian wasn't religious but the local vicar had come to say a few words about him and then he, Syed, was going to speak. He didn't know whether he could do it but he was going to give it his best shot. In the pocket of his jacket there was a crumpled piece of paper on which he'd scribbled a few words to help him remember what to say. He rolled it around between his finger and thumb and looked at it. And then, for the first time, he made himself properly look at Christian's coffin on the platform to the right of him. He looked at the curtains which would draw together at the end of the ceremony, and that would be it. Christian would be gone…

Jane tapped his arm, 'Syed it's you'

He stood up shakily and went to the front of the congregation. It was a small room but packed with so many familiar faces – all the people that Christian had known and loved. On the front row were Christian's mother, Ian, Jane. Lucy, Peter and Bobby now all grown up at 16. Catching Lucy's eye, she smiled encouragingly at him as he started to speak. In a faltering voice, he told the listening people about Christian, what he'd loved about him and how much he was going to miss him. As he talked, he kept glancing over to where Christian was and his voice began to break up. The little piece of paper became blurred and he couldn't see what he'd written on it. Tears started to roll down his cheeks and he stopped speaking. He felt an arm around him and looked up to see Lucy standing next to him, encouraging him and comforting him.

'I just want to finish by saying that Christian and I had a favourite song – it's called _Many of Horror _and there is a line in it which goes:

'_I still believe, it's you and me 'til the end of time'_

Well I do believe that it is – him and me I mean. 'Til the end of time. I know I'll see you again sometime Christian. I love you!'

Now the tears were really falling. With her arm round him to guide him, Lucy helped him back to his seat and Jane gave him a handkerchief. The vicar was mumbling a prayer and then to finish the service, Syed had asked that 'their song' could be played as the curtains closed around the coffin.

Syed gripped Lucy and Jane's hands and the three of them stared transfixed as the song played out into the chapel and slowly, very slowly, the curtains closed around Christian. As the final note of the song played, there was silence in the room for a few minutes. Then the vicar invited Christian's family to leave, followed by the rest of the mourners.

Syed walked out, blinking, into the bright sunlight outside. He'd done it! He'd survived and he'd told _everyone_ how much he'd loved Christian. He hadn't hidden it. Everyone in that Chapel knew that he and Christian were in love – boyfriends - life partners. There could be no doubt about it. He allowed himself to smile. He hadn't let Christian down in the end. Perhaps if he'd been braver a few years ago things would have been different but at last he had spoken the words aloud so that everyone knew!

'Christian would have been proud of you!' said a familiar voice.

And he turned around and saw Sam standing behind him. Syed smiled and walked slowly towards him….

**The End**


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